The Second Coming
by Hola-Meg-a-Cola
Summary: Takes place 5 years later. Everyone has settled down into normal lives. Then Metatron finds out that Bartleby and Loki have escaped hell to search for a certain person. *FINISHED!*
1. Prolouge

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Illinois: Bethany was pouring a box of cereal into a bowl as she called out,

"Maggie, your breakfast is ready! Hurry up or we'll be late for church!" As she mixed the chocolate milk, a little girl came running into the kitchen.

"Mommy, mommy, are you gonna see that man George again tonight? 'Cause I don't like him." Maggie asked. Bethany looked up at her, a little shocked. After a few minutes, she asked her daughter,

"W-why don't you like him, baby?" The little girl shrugged her shoulders and put a spoonful of _Count_ _Chocula_ in her small mouth.

"I don't think he likes me, mommy. Just you 'cause his pants move when he sees you." She explained while chewing. Her mother's eyes look the other way as her jaw drops. In complete shock, Bethany manages to say,

"U-u-um, g-g-good t-to know that, sweetie. W-why don't you, uh, put on that new dress grandma and grandpa gave you, okay?" Maggie nodded her head and ran to her room. Her mother shook her and chuckled a bit as she cleaned up her daughter's mess.

Korba, India: Serendipity walked through the town in a black cat suit, looking at the people. She stopped a boy in the streets and pulled him into an alley.

"Anish, where have you been!? I've been looking everywhere for you!" She sharply whispered in Hindu. Anish looked at the passing pedestrians that didn't notice them. The boy looked at Serendipity and replied,

"I shouldn't be talking to you for you don't believe in Shiva. Shiva would be most displeased if I-" He was then interrupted by Serendipity,

"Screw Shiva! I have told you many times that there is one God. When will you start believing me?" Anish looks at his feet. He takes a gulp and tells her,

"If…if my parents find out that I don't serve the Gods no longer, they would kill me." Serendipity puts her hand on his shoulder. "Then we will go somewhere else. America. How about that? The United States is a great country…except for the Republicans. It's gonna be a problem avoiding them since they got that illiterate Texan jackass running the country. But you can learn to use your powers there. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go." She explained and pulled him along through numerous alleys.

New Jersey: Jay and Silent Bob are sitting outside the Quick Stop, sodas by their sides. Jay spits and says,

"This soda sucks. You comin' with me to go bother Dante?" Silent Bob shrugs his right shoulder and the two walk into the store. Dante is hunched over the counter, reading an issue of _Sports Illustrated_.  He looks up when he hears the chimes of the door.

"Look who it is. Jay and Silent Bob. May I thank you guys for taking time out of your busy schedules to come and annoy the living shit outta me?" He says dully. Jay walks up to the counter with his bottle of soda and replies,

"Your welcome, douche. We want new sodas, dude. This new _Pepsi Blue Fusion_ blows." Dante sighs and takes the sodas.

"Yeah, I know. I mean, who's the moron who came up with this idea?" He comments. Dante layed the sodas on the counter. Jay picked up one of them and asked,

"You know what this looks like? Your toilet water, man." Silent Bob then nudges him and makes some hand movements to Jay. Jay then turns back to Dante.

"Which reminds me: Are you ever gonna clean your bathroom?" He asks. Dante ponders a moment and replies,

"I'll clean my bathroom when you two get a real job." Jay nods his head and turns to Silent Bob. "It's gonna be awhile, dude. Might as well go on the side of the building." He explains. Silent Bob is holding his crotch and he rolled his eyes up as he turns for the door. Dante chuckles and mutters to himself,

"What would the world do without you two morons?"

Central Park, New York. Metatron is walking around, observing the bare trees. It was December and the leaves had already fallen off.

"Trees: one of the best things you created." He said, obviously talking to God. A girl, about 14 or 15, walked up behind him.

"Okay, Metatron, I'm here. What did you wanna complain about now since we're invisible to humans?" said the girl. Metatron turned to her.

"Good, you're here, Aurora. We need to talk about the girl." He explained. Aurora sighed and replied,

"How many times do I gotta tell you that I wanna be called 'Rory'? Geez, are you deficient or something?" She stepped toward him. She had on all black attire. Black _Floods_, black pants, a _Black Sabbath_ t-shirt, and a black woolen jacket. Her hair was dark brown and her eyes were green/hazel. Rory had on glasses, to make her seem more "earthly". Metatron looked at her outfit.

"Hmm, I've seen Carney-folk look more pure than you." He commented. Rory punched his arm and said,

"Either way, I'm still THE Angel of Purity. God made me this way." The two angels walked down the paved path. 

"We have more important matters to discuss. Like I said, it's about the girl." He said.

"Which girl? Oh, you mean Bethany's child. Wonder if she has your eyes." Rory questioned. The two angels stopped. 

"What do you mean by that?" Metatron asked. She shrugged her shoulders ad simply said,

"I thought you knew. Everyone knows your God's favorite angel. Your, like, the father figure. I mean, Jesus had your nose!" Metatron got a weird look on his face.

"He did not! He looked like Joseph! There is no doubt-" He was saying until Rory interrupted,

"There is no doubt that this little girl is gonna look like you. I mean, you did help Bethany stay on the mission, WHICH she did save all of existence. Face it, Met, you're God's favorite. Now, what's the problem you wanted to talk about?" Metatron sighed.

"Bad news from the monitors running limbo. Bartleby and Loki, not only are they now demons, but they have escaped hell. We think they're after Bethany's daughter." He explained. Rory gets a blank expression on her face and states,

"Oh."


	2. The Little Angel named Maggie

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

Wisconsin: Shot to an airport. The ground starts to shake. A long, black pole is coming out of the road. Azreal is holding it, laughing while a mild earthquake is forming.

"Yeah, baby, I'm back. And so are you two…" He shouts. A crack forms and starts glowing blood red.

"Bartleby and Loki, Lucifer's highest demons! Lords of Damnation! Masters of Torture!" Azreal continued. The crack widens and the glow becomes brighter. The earthquake becomes more intense. Azreal puts down his arms and finishes with, 

"May thee come and corrupt the unheard savior." As the earthquake begins to settle, two figures arise from the crack. There stands Bartleby and Loki, no wings, just horns, and long, black nails. Azreal stood in front of them with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. When he finally lights it up he states,

"Cigarette, boys? Smoke'll do you good. Air's too pure on earth. Whadda ya want to do first?" The two former angels looked around at the chaos.

"Actually, this is good. I'm mean, look at those people-" Loki was saying when Bartleby sternly said,

"Where is she? Bethany? I'd like to bash her head in. Same thing goes for Metatron and those two stoners from New Jersey. And how about that little slutty muse and that moronic apostle? It would great to play with their rib cages."

Azreal walked closer towards them, chuckling as he did it.

"Oh boy! I heard about how you two became more evil, but I never imagined this! No wonder the D-man sent you two to get the kid."

He told them. Loki got a confused look on his face and asked,

"What kid? Whose kid? What are we suppose to do?" Azreal sighed and took a puff from his cigarette. He blew the smoke through his nose.

"Satan sent you two back to earth for a reason. Bethany, the once Last Scion, was impregnated with a new savior. From what Desdemona, his mistress, saw in a premonition, she's trouble for the forces of evil. Your jobs: Get her on our side. The kid holds great powers in her puny little body. And from what Dese saw, she'll be using them soon. Big 'uh oh' for us. You two up for it, not like you have a choice." Bartleby and Loki glanced at each other. Bartleby then announced,

"Hells yes! Where is the little brat?"

Flash to a fancy restaurant. A man is sitting at a table, candles lit. He has blonde hair, obviously bleached. He's about in his mid-30's, has blue eyes. His head pops up as a woman walks toward him. It's Bethany in a nice black dress. Her hair was pulled up. She had on red lipstick. The man stood up, his height was about 6'3.

"Bethany! I was just wondering where you were!" He said, trying to act surprise. Bethany smiled and replies,

"Miss me, George?" They kiss, no tongue though. Both of them sit down. George clears his throat.

"Uh, Beth, there's something I, um, want to talk about." He says. Bethany looks into his eyes.

"Yeah? What is it?" She asks. George takes a deep breath.

"Uh, we've been going out for about, what is it, three, four months?" He questions. Bethany nods her head and replies,

"Just about four months, yeah." George sighed. He's glad that he isn't the only one talking.

"Yeah, and you've met my parents, and I, uh, met yours. A-and I even met your ex-husband!" He exclaimed. Bethany chuckles a little and sarcastically replies,

"How could I forget that?" George laughs at her comment but then gets serious.

"The uh, point is, that we have gotten really close, ya know." He tells her. Bethany looks down at her own plate and says,

"I know. Your son Paul is wonderful to be around…when he comes to visit you every month." George looked down again, knowing it was true. He then stuttered out,

"Y-y-yeah and may I say that your, uh daughter, Molly, she's an angel." Bethany was a little stunned by what he just said. How could George not know her daughter's name after dating her for nearly 4 months?

"Uh, her name is Maggie. Ya know, short for Margaret?" She told him. George is extra nervous now and quickly says,

"Yeah, that's what I said. Anyways, I…I think we should live together." There is a long pause before Bethany says anything.

"G-G-George, I-I'm shocked." She stammered. George gives a little chuckle.

"Yeah, I was expecting that. So whadda ya say?" He asked, giving his puppy dog eyes. Bethany loved it when he did that.

"Well, this is really shocking. I…I'm really not sure. I don't know how Maggie would react." She confessed.

"Well…why don't you send her to live with her father?" He asked, almost not caring. This was more shocking than his proposal to move in. Bethany didn't know what to tell him. Thinking quickly, she told him,

"Why would you want that? I thought you said you liked her." George looked at his plate for a moment, and then looked back up at her.

"I said she acted like an angel, but, well, I never said I liked her. You have to admit, she's a pain in the ass." He explained. ~How could he think this!~ Bethany thought. Finally, she managed to say,

"Y-ya know what? I don't think this is gonna work. Just, don't call me anymore. Don't, don't even come to my house again. You're not the man I thought you were." Bethany then picked up her purse and left. George looked on, obviously mad and hurt.

Bethany walked out with her black trench coat on, looking through her purse for her car keys. She stood in front of her car. As she stuck the key in the hole, a familiar voice called out,

"Not-so-magical date, love?" Bethany turned her head to see Metatron sitting on top of a bench.

"None of your business. Don't you have anything **better** to do?" She told him. He pretended to ponder for a moment and replied,

"Nope. It's just that a girl such as yourself doesn't come out of a restaurant dressed up pretty just for the helluvit." Bethany pulls her key out of the lock and faces him.

"You wouldn't come here just to annoy me on a bad night. Something's up. I can tell. What does it have to do with me?" She asks him, now crossing her arms. Metatron hops off the bench and walks toward her. He was wearing a dark brown trench coat, much like the one in _Dogma_. His hair was still the same length, his face still having the same grumpy look. He sighed and explained,

"Bad news. Apparently, when Bartleby and Loki went to Hell, Lucifer was pleased with their mass killing so he made them demons and promoted them to his highest Lords. Things went on as usual. That is, until word got down to the underworld that your daughter was born, destined to be the next savior, just like her descendent. Then Lucifer's wife Desdemona, the hell beast she is, got a premonition about all the great things she will do and told her husband. So, he's sent Bartleby and Loki to capture her."

Bethany stood in shock. Lucifer, the prince of darkness, wanted **her** daughter?

"And yet some how I feel it gets worse." She commented. Metatron looked at her and continued,

"Quick as a whip you are. Just like Mary. Unfortunately, you're right." He takes a deep breath;

"Azreal is accompanying them, as a guide. Full of good thoughts that one is." For some reason, they start walking. Bethany thinks for a moment.

"There is more bad news coming, isn't there?" She asks. Metatron keeps looking ahead.

"God…she wants everyone to work together again. ALL of us." He states, disgust in his voice. Bethany obviously gets a bad thought in her head and bursts out,

"Don't tell me those idiots from New Jersey have to-" Metatron interrupts her,

"They are the prophets who were greatly talked about by other respected prophets. We'll have more company though. My colleague, Aurora, has already set off to find the potheads. Serendipity is coming back to America will an apprentice from India. Rufus is already on Earth, probably with your daughter. By the way, what did you name her? I never found out."

Bethany looks down and smiles a little. "Her name is Margaret. I named her after my mother. But I call her Maggie. You can too. She prefers you do. You wanna see a picture?"

She told him. Bethany dug through her pocketbook and pulled out a thick envelope. She handed them to Metatron.

"My mother took them when we were at her house at Thanksgiving. She's a picture freak. I guess it's because I'm her only child." Bethany explained. Metatron looked through the pictures. There he saw the most adorable little girl he's ever seen. She had long, very dark brown hair, gray eyes, and the cutest smile. It warmed his heart to see such a pretty girl.

"She's very pretty for her age. Can't wait to see her in person." Metatron told Bethany. The two continued to walk away, with George watching in the distance. 


	3. Angel Dust

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

Chimes rang as Jay and Silent Bob walked out of the Quick Stop. They now had beers in hand with joints in the other.

"Beers and drugs! Hey tubby, is there a better combo than that besides pretzels and soda?" Jay asked Silent Bob. Silent Bob shook his head no. They sat down and but the beers at their sides. The sound of footsteps became louder and louder. There stood Rory, out of breath. Finally she managed to say,

"Are you two Jay and Silent Bob?" Jay looks up, his joint between is lips, and replies,

"Yeah? Whadda ya want? If it's me, well, ya gotta wait a couple of years since I'm in enough trouble with the cops-" Rory gets a disgusted look on her face and nearly shouts,

"You thought I came here for **sex**? With **you**? AS IF! Like any girl would consider you hott. This is official business." Jay and Silent Bob stare back at each other, confused. A voice then called out, asking,

"Official **business**, concerning **Jay** and **Silent Bob**? You gotta be kidding, kid." There stood Dante who was out there for a smoke. Years of working in the Quick Stop had drove him to smoke. Rory faces him and tries to explain,

"L-look, we can't talk about this. Not with you-"

Suddenly, the earth starts shaking. Jay and Silent Bob pick up their beers.

"Holy shit, is this for real or it this the joint!?" Jay shouted. A crack started to form, which Rory saw.

"Crap! Who's comin' up now?" She said. Rory looked through her pockets and pulled out a white and gold handbag. She ran to the crack and shouted something in Latin. Rory then threw some sparkly powder from the bag on it. Slowly, the shaking stopped and the crack closed. Jay, Silent Bob, and Dante walked to where the crack was.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?" Dante shouted, still looking at the crack. Rory sighed and explained,

"Azreal's work. He was gonna unleash somethin' nasty from what I felt. We gotta get to Illinois. Fast." Silent Bob then made some hand movements to Jay. He nods his head and tells Rory,

"My obese friend here wants to know if that's the same Azreal who he whacked with a golf club." Rory sighs and nods her head yes. Dante just stands there, confused as ever, and asks,

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?" Rory takes a deep breath and tells him,

"Two incredibly dangerous demons have escaped from Hell bent on killing the former Last Scion, these two nimrods, a muse, and they want to take over the world for Satan or whatever he wishes to go by these days. Jay and Silent Bob are prophets who helped save the world." Shocked by the fact that Jay and Silent Bob helped save all mankind, Dante passed out.

"I was wondering when he was gonna do that. But are you serious about those demon dudes wanting to kill us?" Jay asked. Rory again nods her head and says to them,

"Hells yeah! Now we gotta get to Illinois fast. And no, we are **not** gonna use your joints to fly there. We'll use Angel Dust." Jay gets an excited look on his face as does Silent Bob.

"HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT ANGEL DUST? GIMME SOME BITCH!" He shouts at her, taking a few steps forward. She steps back and replies,

"Not heroin-angel dust, you dildos! **Real** Angel Dust. Now just sit back and enjoy the show boys." Rory throws some of the powder from the bag in the air. As it slowly falls on them, they disappear.

Serendipity walked through a Los Angeles airport with Anish close behind. They were lucky to get out of India in one night.

"This is America? Where are the White House and the Statue of Liberty? Were you just messing with me back in my homeland?" He said, looking around the airport. Serendipity turned to Anish. She explains to him,

"This is L.A., Anish. The Statue of Liberty is in New York. We're going to Illi-" She stopped talking as she watched what was on T.V. It was a scene of the destruction in Wisconsin. The only words Serendipity was able to mutter was,

"Azreal, that bastard." Anish looked curiously at his mentor. Finally, he asked,

"Who is Azreal, Serendipity?" Serendipity looked back at him. She then explained,

"Azreal is a former muse. He refused to fight in the war between Heaven and the rebels. Later, God banished all who didn't fight down to Hell. Azreal's a dick. And it looks like Bartleby and Loki have returned already. Come one, we need to go down town. We'll go to Illinois tomorrow." Serendipity walked out of the airport and started towards down town L.A. when Anish asked,

"Why are we going down town?" Serendipity stopped and turned around.

"I've been in Heaven for the past 5 years. I have no money. So, I'm gonna 'work' for a couple of hours. By morning, we should have at least $300." She told him and continued walking. Anish stood there for a minute and questioned,

"How will you get that much money?"


	4. Me and Jesus

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

Metatron and Bethany were walking towards her house when she saw her car in the driveway.

"Oh my God, how did my car get here when I left it at the-" She was asking when Metatron interrupted,

"God has her ways. Dear Lord, it's freezing out here. Let's get inside." They walked inside the house to find Rufus sitting Bethany's living room, ranting away about his days hanging with Jesus,

"So I tell Jesus, 'I don't know about that cracker Judas.' And he tells me, 'I know, he's gonna betray my ass.' And I ask him, 'How the hell you know that?' Jesus then says to me, 'Well, there's a reward out for me and Judas is a white boy. It's too obvious. I knew that even without my physic powers, man!' Yeah, then about 3 weeks later, Jesus got his ass arrested. Livin' life like a true black man. Then when Judas got his money, we all beat his ass into a bloody pulp." He spots Bethany and Metatron.

"Yo, what's up you guys? I was just tellin' this white virgin here about me and Jesus. Ain't that right, bitch?" Rufus said. There pops up a tall, blonde girl, about 16 or 17. She has a wide smile on her face.

"Omigod, Ms. Sloane, you never told me you knew crazy people who claimed to have known Jesus! This is the best baby-sitting job I've ever gotten!" The girl says excitingly. Bethany opens her purse while telling the girl,

"Well, I know I came home earlier than expected, Nancy, but is I okay if I just pay you for half for your services?" She pulls out $10. Nancy takes it and replies,

"Oh sure, Ms. Sloane! And would you tell that black dude my number? He's really funny. Also, Maggie's in her room, sleeping. That guy wouldn't tell me those crazy stories until I put her to bed. Well, see you tomorrow night! 'Kay?"

As she proceeded towards the door, Bethany grabbed her arm.

"Uh, Nancy, I just wanna tell you that me and Maggie might be out of town for the next few days." She told her, telling the truth. Nancy got a disappointed look on her face and said,

"Oh. I see. Well, where are you going?" Bethany looks at Metatron who says,

"New Jersey. Bethany, Rufus, and I have, um, 'business' to attend to." Nancy nods her head as Metatron walked further into the living room.

"Wow, Ms. Sloane, you're cheating on George with **two** guys? You must be more popular than I thought!" She said curiously. Bethany realizes what Nancy just said and explained to her,

"Metatron and Rufus are just friends of mine that I haven't seen in a couple of years. Besides, me and George broke up tonight." Yet again, Nancy nods her head. Before she left, she said,

"I never liked George anyway. Not even when he dated my sister. They went out a couple of months before he met you. He even got her pregnant!" As she walked through the door, Bethany grabbed her arm and asked,

"Wait, hasn't your sister been married for awhile now?" Nancy faces her.

"Uh-huh. That's the part that always confuses me. And I'll tell you this. Boy, it was hell in their house when my sister had to explain to her husband that she got anal from some other dude." She said and left. Bethany was now more disgusted with George than she had ever been.

When Bethany locked up the front door, she walked into her living room. Rufus was sitting on the couch eating those caramel candies and Metatron was observing pictures on the shelf above her fireplace.

"Okay, now that ditzy-Nancy is gone, what do guys need to talk about?" Metatron and Rufus turn their heads toward her.

"Damn these things are good! They're made by some evil white folk, but they're good!" Rufus said while looking at one of them. Metatron sits on the couch and grabs the candy away from him. He then puts the bowl on the floor.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR? THOSE THINGS ARE THE SHITZ!" Rufus shouted at him. Bethany made a shushing noise and tells him,

"Maggie's sleeping. Let's try and keep our voices down." Suddenly, a knock came from the door.

"Crap, how many people want to see me tonight? Yeesh." She said while walking to the door. When she opened it, there stood George.

"George? What are you doing here?" Bethany asked. George walked inside and said to her,

"I couldn't just leave us at where we were. Listen, every couple has their differences, but I think we can work them out in time. Whadda ya say?" Bethany was shocked at this. He sounded so sweet that she couldn't have turned him down until Metatron came in while saying,

"You've practiced that one with your ex-girlfriend, haven't you? Don't lie to me. I've talked with Jenny. She sits in her little home in Minnesota, pissed off that her ex hasn't paid her Child Support since their son Paul was born. And every time you come to take him, you convince her that you'll get back together and soon she forgets about the child support thing. Same goes for all those other girls, am I right?" George stood in shock. He wondered how this guy knew about Jenny and the other girls he's been with.

"Get out." He says to Metatron. He stands if front of George and slyly says,

"I believe that isn't your decision. Bethany?" Bethany sighs, and sternly says,

"Get out, George. If you don't I will get a restraining order slapped on your ass." Hurt that Bethany would pick some old guy over him, George left her house. As doing so, he pushed three figures that were standing at the door. It was Rory, Jay, and Silent Bob. They caught Rory when she was falling towards the ground.

"And no, it's NOT okay that my ass NEARLY HIT THE PAVEMENT!" She shouted as George stepped into his silver Porsche. His tires screeched as he drove quickly away. The three approached Bethany.

"Yo, Bob, it's Bethany! I don't know about you, tubby, but I'm **still** waiting to 'do' her." Jay told Silent Bob. Bethany shook her head in disbelief.


	5. Shh, It's A Secret

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

Rory jobs Jay in the gut and says to Bethany,

"Hi! I'm Aurora, but call me Rory. Ya know, like that girl in _Gilmore Girls_. Anyways, how are you and your daughter? By the way, can we come in? It's frickin freezing out here." Bethany just stood there for a few moments, then replied,

"Oh. C-come in." They all walked into the house. As Rory met up with Rufus, Bethany walked to Metatron.

"Uh, not that it is any of business. Actually, it is. But how did you-" She was asking when he interrupted,

"I was assigned a couple of years ago to research that guy. Found his ex-girlfriends living in small towns raising his children. Sad part is that they could have had great careers. He seems to target those women…" Since the events of _Dogma_, Bethany had quit her job in the abortion clinic to be a children's doctor. They walked into the living room where Jay and Silent Bob pulled out a photo album. While looking at some of the pictures where Bethany was pregnant, Jay commented,

"Oh my God, Bethany, you were **fat**!" Silent Bob then slapped the back of Jay's head. He then made movements like holding a baby. Jay nods his head and says,

"Oh yeah, she was _pregnant_. I forgot. Where is the little tart that made you look like tubby over here?" Rory then kicked Jay. He was talking too much again.

"Look, can we just get down to business? I don't have _Spongebob_ on DVD and I'm missing it right about now…" Rory stated. Bethany and Metatron then sat down on the couch.

"Well, as you all know, Bartleby and Loki have returned from Hell. What we do know is that they are out for Margaret. I talked with God and she says the safest place to hide is on the grounds where Bethany was impregnated with her, which are in New Jersey. Azreal is with them, probably giving them all sorts of ideas. What we don't know is where they are at the moment." Metatron explained. All sorts of thoughts ran through Bethany's head, like how was she suppose to protect her daughter from three dangerous demons? Rory chimed in with,

"There was an earthquake in New Jersey! Maybe that was an aftershock from Bartleby and Loki's arrival into this world." Jay and Silent Bob now closed the albums.

"Hey, can we put on the T.V.? This place is gettin' boring." Jay stated. Bethany sighed and replied,

"Yeah, put on the T.V. in Maggie's play room. It's upstairs, at the end of the hall, last room on the left." Jay and Silent Bob then left for upstairs.

"Maybe they got to Serendipity and her little Indian kid. 'Cause ya know, she and Azreal weren't too close." Rufus suggested. Rory huddled up her legs together. Bethany took a picture from the shelf and looked at it. It was a picture of her and Maggie at the park. It showed Bethany pushing Maggie on a swing. Her friend from the abortion clinic, Liz, had taken it over the summer. Suddenly, Bethany snapped right back into reality as Rory was saying,

"….they could already be here in Illinois for all we know." Just then, Silent Bob comes down stairs.

"I suggest you watch the news." He said and went back upstairs. The 4 people in the room sat in shock from hearing Silent Bob talk. Bethany then turns on the T.V. to the news. As the screen became clear, they hear a news reporter saying,

"Wisconsin citizens are shocked by the recent earthquake here since the last time an earthquake occurred was, well, never. It just wasn't the fact that an earthquake occurred here, but that it was such a powerful one. People all over the state felt the 'quake. Reports are from New Jersey that there, too, a less destructive earthquake occurred a half an hour ago. While only a few people were hurt in the New Jersey earthquake, at least 75 people have died in the Wisconsin one…" They now knew where Bartleby, Loki, and Azreal were.

As Bethany turned off the television, Metatron stood up and said,

"Well, I really must be seeing God. I believe you can make your way to New Jersey safely." He then walked towards the front door, opened it, and left. The rest sat, a bit shocked by what Metatron just did.

"I-I'll talk to him." Rory said and ran after him. When she got outside, she saw Metatron walking towards the woods.

"Where are you going? You can't just dump this whole mission on me, Metatron!" Rory called out to him. Metatron turned around to her. He then replied,

"I must check in with God and notify her-" Rory then interrupted him,

"That has to be the **worst** excuse you have ever come up with! You and I both know the real reason why you're leaving." Metatron walked closer towards her. He was curious about what she was saying. Rory continued,

"Angels may live forever, but they still have human emotions. You and me both. And from the way you look at Bethany, I can finally see them. Now, don't just go without seeing Maggie. You wanna see her as much as I do. Don't join up with the rest of us until you've figured out your feelings." She then walked inside the house and closed the door. Metatron then disappeared in a flash.

He then reappeared in Maggie's room. He saw the little girl sleeping in her bed. She rolled over when he appeared. Her hair was let down. In her arms was a GIR stuffed animal from _Nickelodeon_'s cartoon _Invader Zim_. Maggie's room was a gray-blue color, with a little white table and chairs to go with it. She had what looked like hundreds of stuffed animals. The little girl pushed herself up to see what happened.

"Who are you? Are you an angel?" She asked. ~Good guess.~ Metatron thought. He walked closer towards her.

"How did you?" He said, in a whisper. Maggie now sat up, rubbing her eyes while telling him,

"A lady appeared in my dream and told me that the next person I would see is an angel. Does mommy know you're here?" ~Thanks, God, you saved me the trouble of a lot of explaining~ He thought. Metatron kneeled at her side.

"I happen to be an old friend of your mother's, Maggie." He said sweetly to her. Maggie gave a wide smile. She pulled her GIR doll closer to her and asked him,

"How did you know my name?" Metatron gave a little smile, tapped her on the nose, and whispered to her,

"It's a secret. See you later, pet." As he walked away, Maggie whispered,

"Bye, Metatron. See you in a couple of days." Metatron stopped and wondered how she knew his name, but he ignored it and disappeared in a flash again. Maggie then lay back to sleep.

Down stairs, Rory stood at the bottom of the staircase, smiling. Bethany and Rufus were talking in her kitchen.

"Good start, Metatron." Rory whispered and walked into the kitchen.


	6. Woops

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks. **UPDATE**: Finally, I got this done! Took me long enough. But it's a slow chapter. At least I can move along now.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

The sun rose over McHenry, Illinois. Bethany woke up to WHAM!'s _Wake Me Up_ (A/N-I don't know if that's the real title to that song. I'm not a George Michael fan. I listen to Ozzy, kids). She then turned off her alarm clock and got out of bed. We see Jay and Silent Bob sleeping in Maggie's playroom. Bethany closes the door of that room and slowly opens Maggie's. There sat Maggie drawing a picture at her table. She looks up and says,

"Morning, mommy. When are we going to New Jersey?" Bethany stands in shock. No one had told her about their future road trip.

"W-what makes you think we're going to New Jersey, baby?" She asks her small daughter. Maggie shrugs her shoulders, still coloring.

"I just knew. I saw us going in a dream. I'm glad that George isn't coming." She explains. Bethany walked to her daughter and looked at her picture. It was 4 year-old's drawing of Metatron, Bethany could tell by the huge wings and the dark suit. She then asks Maggie,

"Who's this?" Maggie looked back up at her and replied,

"An angel. I met him. He knew my name even when I didn't tell him. He said it was a secret. I like him. He'll be back." Bethany nodded her head and left the room. She walked downstairs, finding Rory and Rufus sharing the couch. Both looked very uncomfortable.

"Guys, wake up. WAKE UP GUYS!" She yelled at them. Rory moved slightly, waking up. She looked at Rufus and said to him,

"Rufus, Rufus, WAKE UP! I need to complain about how your foot was up my ass last night!" Rufus then started to wake up. Rory got off the couch and looked at her clothes, which were all wrinkled.

"Ugh, I had these clothes dry cleaned just yesterday!" She whined. Rory then disappeared in a white flash. Bethany shakes her head a little from the white flash.

"What just happened?" She asked Rufus. Rufus got up from the couch and replied,

"That's how angels get back into heaven. She'll be back." Bethany then walked into the kitchen. As she makes herself a cup of coffee, a bright lights flashes behind her.

"She's back." Bethany muttered to herself and went back to her coffee.

Rory stood in the middle of the room with a new attire on. She had on plaid pants, the same shoes, a _System of a Down_ t-shirt, spike bracelets, and shades of purple were in her hair. In her arms was the same jacket she wore before. She also had a bag in her hands.

"Ah, that's better." She said aloud to herself. Rufus stretched and asked,

"Did you get anything for me, bitch?" Rory rolled her eyes and sighed.

"As a matter of fact, yes. Next time, refrain yourself from calling me 'bitch'." She replied and threw some clothes at him from the bag. Rufus then left for the bathroom. Bethany walked into her living room, her coffee in hand. Rory was looking through her bag while Bethany asked,

"Whadda ya have in there?" Rory looks up and smiles.

"A present for Maggie." Was all she said. Just then, a door opened and down came Maggie. She had on periwinkle-colored PJ's, her GIR doll in one arm (A/N-incase you're wondering, its GIR in his disguise). She smiled at Rory and said happily,

"You're an angel!" Rory seems a little confused, since she hasn't even seen this girl 'til now. She looks at Bethany who just says,

"I'm just as shocked as you! Uh, Maggie, honey, what makes you think that?" Maggie sat at the bottom step and replied,

"The lady from my dream told me that the girl who dresses funny is an angel." Rory is a little hurt that God said that.

"The lady told you that?" She asked. Maggie nodded her head.

"Yup. She's also the one who told me about the other angel." She explained. Rory nods her head and replied,

"Maggie, I got a present for you!" Maggie's face lit up. Bethany then pushed Maggie towards the stairs while saying,

"You'll get it once you've changed into some clothes. Come one, mommy needs to get dressed, too." Both go up the stairs. Rory smiles and mutters to herself,

"I see why Metatron has fallen in love with both of you."

Meanwhile, somewhere in Wisconsin, Azreal, Bartleby, and Loki are waiting at a train station. Azreal is wearing a suit similar to the one he wore in _Dogma_, only it was black and blood red.

"Uh, guys, you wanna cover up those horns? People have a tendency to be freaked out by it." He suggests. The two look at each other then steal the hats of two random men. They look back at Bartleby and Loki and one of them sternly says,

"Hey, this is Wisconsin, man! You just can't steal some dude's hat! Who do you think you are, God's frickin gift to earth?" Loki steps up to him and replies,

"Not God's-" He snaps the guy's neck, "Satan's." Bartleby then slashes the neck of the other guy with his nail. Azreal then looks at the bodies.

"Nice comeback, Loki, except the part where you killed him! Remember our talk about keeping low profile?" He shouts at them. The two former angels just shake their heads and walk away, putting on the baseball caps. Azreal sighs and snaps his fingers. Suddenly, a little red, hunchback guy, only about 2 feet tall, appeared by Azreal's side.

"Here, you can eat the bodies of these two. But do it somewhere secluded. Last thing this place needs to see is a real life Demon Lackey." He told the thing and walked after Bartleby and Loki. The thing gives a creepy little laugh and drags the bodies into a janitor's closet.

Bethany walked back downstairs with Maggie. While Maggie was dressed in a pair of dungaree overalls with a long, white shirt, Bethany had on long black pants with a periwinkle long-sleeve shirt. Maggie walked up to Rory and asked,

"Do I get my present now?" Because her persistence, Rory gave a little laugh. She then pulled out of the bag a semi-thick book.

"It's a book of bible stories…in Latin. Sorry, but it's all we have in Heaven. I'm sure your mommy can read them to you." She explained. Maggie took the book, hugged Rory, and thanked her. Bethany looked at her and said,

"Surprisingly, Maggie can read REALLY well for her age. But she can't read the-" Rory cut her off,

"She can too. God made sure Maggie could read early. Remember, everything happens for a reason." Bethany nods her head. She stands in shock as her daughter reads the strange language. Jay then walks down stairs, his pants off. Rory's jaw drops as does Bethany's.

"Hey bitches, what's up?" He says, a beer in hand. Maggie then shushes him and comments, "Don't curse. God doesn't like it. Besides, Silent Bob is sleeping." Jay then gets a confused look on his face and asks,

"Who told the midget about me and Bob?" Both Bethany and Rory look at him angrily. Then it struck them that no one did tell her about Jay and Silent Bob. Rory shook her head and replied,

"Never mind that. Wake up Silent Bob. We're leaving. And get some pants on!" As Jay headed back upstairs, Rufus walked past him, dressed in a new attire.

"We goin' already?" He asked. Bethany nodded.

"Yup. I think we should take a plane. Much faster." She said. Rufus shook his head no and explained,

"No planes. They scare the living shit outta me. I trust trains more."  Bethany gave a heavy sigh.

"Fine. We'll take a train. Maggie, get your coat. We're gonna be going now." She said. Maggie looked up from her book and asked,

"Can I take GIR mommy? He's never been to New Jersey before. Please mommy, please?" All Bethany could do was smile.

Flash to a blonde woman (A/N: imagine Gwen Stefani) talking to a 20 something girl who seems to be mere seconds away from committing suicide.

"Is this what you really want, Alice? I mean, what about your baby?" The woman asks the girl. The girl, who's been crying, looks up and weakly says,

"I'm pregnant?" The woman smiles.

"You will be if you show your boyfriend a good time t'night." She tells the girl. The girl smiles, hugs and thanks the woman, and runs off home. The woman just keeps smiling when a familiar voice calls out,

"Speaking of babies, where's **yours**?" The Metatron is standing behind her. The woman turns her head and barely mutters,

"The voice!" She stands up and walks to him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Where's the kid, Shaylee?" Metatron asks her. The woman, her name apparently Shaylee, stutters out,

"W-what kid?" A long sigh comes from Metatron and replies,

"The kid you had 5 bloody years to create! Jesus Christ, the Last Scion is already 4 years-old and isn't getting any bloody younger!" Shaylee's face becomes pale.

"Ooohhh,, **that** kid. Woops." She says. The Metatron shot off an angry look.

"Woops. That's all you have to say for yourself?" He said in a pissed off tone. Shaylee looked down and started rubbing her arm.

"Um…yeah. I lost track of time. And you know, the suicide rates having been going up as of late, so-" She was explained when the Voice yelled at her,

"ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET SOME GUY TO 'JUMP YOUR BONES'!" Shaylee jumped back a little and meekly said,

"I-its been really hard. I mean, guys wear condoms nowadays." The Metatron was getting fed up with her.

"Get some guy drunk then. You're a very pretty angel, Shaylee., It shouldn't be that hard." He suggested. Shaylee gave him a sad-little-girl-look.

"It would be easier if I could get drunk, too. I mean, what if he's ugly?" She asked, whining a little. Metatron takes in a sharp breath.

"Then find a nice little pretty boy." He says this through his teeth. Shaylee then whined,

"Most pretty boys turn out to be evil, though." The Voice rolled his eyes and replies,

"Not all of them. Just avoid the one named George. I just got done with that fiasco with Bethany." Shaylee shook her head from shock and questioned,

"Wait, wait, hold the phone. George, evil George, was going after Bethany? Did you tell her about…what he is?" The Metatron stuck his tongue in his cheek.

"I only told her about the girls. She's not ready to know the whole truth." He confessed. Shaylee just stared at him. She then bluntly (A/N-Hehehe, funny word…**bluntly**) commented,

"Well, you better tell her or she'll try to run away again. And I doubt she'll leave the Last Scion behind. Rory's not gonna tell her. She'll probably leave it to you." Metatron sighs and says,

"I know she will. Bethany will find out when the time is right. Speaking of time, mine's running out. I need to meet with Noam, discuss his duties. I'm off." As Metatron turned to leave, he told Shaylee,

"And do get a move on with that kid! God expects 13 apostles. And Darlita just gave birth 13 months ago to **another** black baby. I suppose she'll be another Rufus. We expect another Peter from you, Shaylee…only this time, a girl." He then disappeared in a flash. Shaylee just stood there and called out,

"I was gonna get to that eventually!"


	7. A Good 15 Minutes

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks. **Aztec**: Sorry, but I will **not** have any fluff in this story. Fluff disgusts me. But I will try to put in some semi-sweet moments. Hence _try_.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

We see Bethany, Maggie, Rufus, Rory, Jay, and Silent Bob at a train station. Bethany is at the counter with Rufus buying tickets.

"Can I have 6 tickets to New Jersey?" She asks the guy. While the guy is pulling up the tickets, Bethany is searching her purse. As she pulls out the money, a familiar voice calls out,

"Make that **8** tickets." Everyone turns heads to see Serendipity and Anish standing there. Anish seemed kinda dazed.

"Serendipity! You look great!" Bethany said, a smile coming over her face. Serendipity had changed out of her cat suit and into navy blue pants with a blue top covered by a leather jacket. Rory seemed to notice Anish's dazed look and asked,

"Um, what's wrong with the kid?" Bethany, Rufus, and Serendipity glance over at Anish.

"Hmm, he was fine and way too chatty when we got into America. But when we left L.A., he got real quiet." She explained. Rufus thought for a moment and commented,

"What _did_ you do in L.A.?" Serendipity was quiet for a few seconds.

"Well, we were in the airport, then I took him downtown to get some money-" Rory then interrupted Serendipity,

"Wait, wait, hold the phone. You took a **13 year old boy** into a **nudie bar**?" WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" Serendipity jumps back a little and replies,

"Not 13! I think he's 13 ½." Rory starts rubbing her temples. She confronts Anish.

"Okay…um, what's your name?" She was asking, when Anish replied,

"Anish. Anish Patel." Rory was a little astonished.

"You know English pretty well. And you came to America just yesterday, am I right?" Anish nods his head.

"Yes. I never knew I could speak it until a couple of hours ago. Serendipity taught me how to tap into that part of my brain." He explained. Aurora sighed a little and commented,

"Good to know she did **something** right. Now, what was it like, last night in the strip joint?" Anish looked a little shaken, but, nonetheless, he answered,

"The women…they threw their panties at various men. I don't think they knew them. And the men…they kept smelling the women's undergarments." Rory was absolutely disgusted.

"You **watched** that!? How long were you there for?" She questioned. Anish then replied, without blinking,

"5…hours." That was the last straw.

"SERENDIPITY!" Rory shouted. She looked sternly at Serendipity. Just as it looked as The Angel was gonna beat the living shit out of The Muse, the ticket guy asked them,

"You, the Spanish chick, you strip, right?" Serendipity looked at him.

"_Si_…why?" She asked. The guy moved closer to the speaking part and told her,

"I will give you the 8 tickets for free, hence _free_, if you give me a lap dance." Serendipity got a confused look on her face and replied,

"You're kidding, right?" The ticket guy, who looked like he was about 180 lbs with short curly ash blonde hair, had on thick black glasses, looked serious.

"Do I look like I'm kidding, miss?" He simply says to her. A long sigh comes from Serendipity.

"What! This guy gets a free show when I don't? Bull shit, man!" Jay shouts. Serendipity then asks,

"When does the next train leave?" Silent Bob looks at the schedule and shows Jay.

"In about a half an hour." He says as he looks where Bob is pointing. Serendipity pushes up her breasts a little and mutters,

"Give me a good 15 minutes." As she walks to the back room, a wide smile comes over the guy's face.

In Wisconsin, still, Bartleby and Loki are waiting in line as Azreal sits in a chair reading _Madd_ magazine. He chuckles to himself as he turns the page muttering,

"Holy shit. The stuff people come up with these days." Just then, the Demon Lackey walks up to him and whispers something into Azreal's ear. A wide smile forms on his face.

"She's in New Jersey? Excellent! Things are working out for the best. Just don't tell Happy-Go-Slappy and Chuckles over there about the real mission. I've worked too hard for this." Azreal said to the Demon Lackey. He was obviously referring Happy-Go-Slappy and Chuckles to Bartleby and Loki. The Demon Lackey nods its head and what looked like running if it didn't have a limp. It ran into the same janitor's closet and closed the door with its red tail.

Meanwhile, Bartleby and Loki seemed to be getting frustrated over something.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE ALL BOOKED? FOR **NEW JERSEY**?" Loki shouted at the woman. The woman was cowering in her booth and meekly said,

"A-all trains t-to New Jersey are b-booked for the next t-two days, sir. I'd say the same f-for the b-buses." Loki looked like he was gonna kill her when Azreal shot him a concerning look. Bartleby decided to talk with the woman.

"Excuse me, miss, but what could possibly be happening in New Jersey?" He asked in normal tone. The woman sat up strait and replied,

"Well, _Jethro Tull_ is having a reunion concert in Trenton." Bartleby narrowed his eyes down.

"That's it?" He asked. The woman looked through a book and read,

"Um, Ozzy Osbourne is reuniting with his old band members from _Black Sabbath_ in Newark." Bartleby couldn't believe it.

"We can't go to New Jersey because a couple of British bands decided to hold their reunions in the Garden State?" He asked, getting a little angry. The woman continued to look through her book.

"And…the Pope is visiting Saint Michael's in Red Bank. That's it. Besides, Christmas is less than 1 week away. Everybody's getting a head start this year." She explained. Bartleby thanked her and walked to Azreal. Loki then asked the woman,

"Christmas? It seems that Christmas is the only holiday that people get crazy over." The woman stood up and replied,

"You should've seen this place three days before Chanukah." She picked up a microphone that was apart of the intercoms and said,

"All trains and buses to New York, New Jersey, Delaware, and Connecticut are booked for the next two to three days. The Madison Airport will be closed due to the massive earthquake yesterday. We're closing now. Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah, everyone." She then pulled down the gate in her booth window.

Loki walked to Azreal and Bartleby.

"I can't believe this. The Scions, The Angels, The Apostle, The Muses, and The Prophets are probably half way to New Jersey right now and we're stuck in Wisconsin. HOW CAN ARE LUCK GET ANY WORSE?" He said. Just then, George, who was in Wisconsin for a business meeting, walked by them, still pissed off about what happened last night. Azreal saw him and barely whispered,

"Junius?" He got up and walked to George. Azreal put his hand on George's shoulder and pulled him around.

"Junius, it's been centuries!" He said happily. George pushed away and replied,

"Who the hell are you? Are you on crack or something!" Azreal was silent for a moment.

"You don't remember what you are, why you're on earth, do you?" He asked. George sighed.

"Look, I don't have time to deal with you people. I've got a client in Milwaukee who needs to sue her insurance company. Normally I would consider the idea of an earthquake destroying my clients' homes exhilarating, but not on the _same night_ that my girlfriend breaks up with me. Now if you excuse me, I have to ruin some lives." He explained and attempted to walk away. But Azreal stopped him.

"Did you ever wonder why you get such a kick out destroying a human's life? Or maybe why you can't bring yourself to commitment? Why you have to abandon the mothers of your kids?" He asked. George was now dead still. He didn't even know who this freak was but he knew all of his questions and deepest thoughts and pleasures.

"Hit a nerve, didn't I? Good. Glad to know you're listening. Did you ever consider what you are? Why give seem to give off the lawyer persona?" Azreal asked him. George sighed again and replied,

"Okay, then, what am I? A demon or something like that?" Azreal just gave a little smile.

A/N- HA! CLIFFHANGER! Ain't I evil? MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hehehehe…


	8. The Mastermind, NOT Lucifer?

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks. **PretendFan**: Thanx for the suggestion of a better format. I've been flunking Grammar 'cause of that. And a BIG thanx to *everyone* who reviewed. I feel so special.J

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

Serendipity walked out of the backroom, a little disgusted with herself. The ticket guy appeared in the booth, _very_ happy. He slid the tickets under the glass and said,

"8 tickets to New Jersey." Bethany took the tickets, grabbed Maggie's hand, and walked away. Jay looked at them and then turned his head to Silent Bob.

"She's never gonna screw us now. Especially with that kid hanging around. Who is that twerp anyways?" He asked him. Silent Bob rolled his eyes and slapped the back of Jay's head. Serendipity drags Anish along to the train as the ticket guy calls out,

"Call me!" Rufus and Rory stare at him for a moment and walk away.

Meanwhile, the Metatron appeared what seemed like a very peaceful place. The grass was green everywhere with all sorts of colorful flowers unlike in America, where it was December and everywhere it was gray. Just then, another British voice shouted,

"The Voice! He's come!" From the distance another angel stood in 19th century clothing. He had short brown hair and bottle glasses. The angel was rather good looking. He rushed toward the seraphim.

"Horace. You cut me short from my meeting with Noam. What is so important that I needed to break from my already hectic schedule to take a stroll in Limbo?" Metatron asked. Horace sighed and replied,

"You better follow me." He walked towards a group souls who were just sitting there.

"Now, I've been working in Limbo since Adam and Eve were outcasted from the Garden of Eden. But never have I seen anything like this." Horace continued. One of the other angels instructed a soul to a square pool in the ground. As the soul stepped on it, he was flung back 50 feet. The Metatron and Horace have just witnessed it.

"Someone has blocked the entrance into Hell?" He asked the younger angel. Horace, who is still looking at the entrance to Hell, simply replied,

"Hell **and** Heaven. It happened about an hour ago. We've literally tried everything to break that invisible wall. God herself cannot even break it. Off the top of my head, I'd say we're in a lot of trouble." The Metatron just glances at him and asks,

"God herself cannot break it? Then how the hell are we to send Azreal, Bartleby, and Loki back!" Horace turns his head to him.

"That's _your_ job. _You_ are the head angel. I'm just a civil servant." He said a little slyly. But he soon realized this and quickly said,

"N-not trying to be rude or anything, High Angel." Metatron rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Great. Last thing I need right now is that. Lucifer tries way too much." He commented. Horace gives a strange look and replies,

"If I may, sir, I don't think Lucifer is behind this." The Metatron kneeled towards the portal.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, why would Lucifer lock himself in Hell, sir?"

"Good point. But then that would mean…"

"Would mean what?"

"Jesus Christ!"

"Oh! That reminds me, his birthday is coming up. I must really get him something nice-"

"No you moron. It means we've been duped."

"You mean we've been hosed?"

"You've been watching _Davey and Goliath_ way too much, Horace. Can you think of someone who would be clever enough to make this possible?"

"Um…David Blaine?"

The Metatron groaned. He hated talking with the lower angels. "No you half-wit. I was thinking more in the lines of someone inhuman. And I think I know who it is." He explained and disappeared. Horace stood there, still a bit confused. Suddenly, something slammed against the barrier between Limbo and Hell. He looked into Hell where it was lit by eternal fires. A Demon Lackey had been thrown up at the barrier and was now down at the count.

"Um, Lucifer, was that at all necessary?" He called down. Then, coming into view, was Satan himself. (A/N: Satan is played by no one other than OJ Simpson! Hehehehe). His arms are crossed and he isn't smiling.

"Yes! Not only are there no new souls here, but 4 of my best demons and a Demon Lackey are missing, you poor excuse of an angel." Horace thought about this while muttering to himself,

"**4** demons? Well, there's Azreal, Bartleby, Loki, and…um, who else is a High demon? There's always…Good God!" He then started running away, screaming, 

"High Angels! High Angels!"

Flash to our heroine on the train to New Jersey. Maggie is in Bethany's arms, sleeping with GIR by her side. Jay and Silent Bob are in the bathroom, doing, uh, stuff. (A/N: Take a wild guess at what they're doing.) Rufus is reading the newspaper while Rory is listening to her CD player. Serendipity is sitting with Anish.

"What are you thinking about?" She asks Bethany. Bethany, who's been staring out the window, looks at Serendipity and replies,

"Nothing really. I'm just thinking about the roles we all play in this. Like, why am I here? I'm no longer the Last Scion, Maggie is. Jay and Silent Bob are prophets, for some reason. You and him are muses, which kinda confuses me." Serendipity gives a strange look.

"What do you mean? What confuses you?" She asked her again. Bethany sighs and strokes Maggie's hair. She had no idea where Maggie got her hair color.

"How is Anish a muse? He was born into a human family, wasn't he? I thought muses weren't human." She questioned. Serendipity smiles a little and gives a little laugh.

"Oh, _that_. Well, a muse isn't really a form. It's an essence. God implanted muse essences in Adam when She created him. All of the Adams if you're curious. Now, only 1 in a million people every century are muses. There's actually a couple of other muses out there now. But they are past the age to become a muse. See, there is a certain age where you lose your muse essence and keep your sexual preferences, thus becoming completely human. That age is 21, the human standard for adulthood. Anish here is 13. He has 7 years to learn his powers. When he does learn all his abilities, he will lose his genitalia." She explained. Bethany nods her head in understanding.

"Rufus is an apostle and Metatron and Rory are angels. But where do I come in? I'm not important. Maggie is the daughter of God! Why am I here?" She continued to ask. Before Serendipity could answer, the train came to a sudden stop. The lights started to flicker on and off.

"What is happening? Is it a sign, Serendipity?" Anish asked her. Serendipity looked up at the lights. Rufus did too and replied,

"This ain't no sign, shorty. It's worse." Maggie then woke from her sleep. The train started to shake violently.

"Mommy, don't let the men hurt me!" She said, nearly crying. Bethany hugged her tightly and asked,

"What men, baby? What men?" She started stroking her hair again. Maggie looked at Bethany.

"The men who killed the engineer." She said. Serendipity looked at Rory and Rufus who had a similar expression on their faces.

"You don't really think he would send _them_ after us, would he?" She asked them. There was banging at the car door. Rory glanced at it and saw water seep through the crack.

"Bastard is crazy enough to do it!" She shouted. Rufus and Rory then tried to open the window. Bethany shook her head and asked,

"What? What's going on?" Serendipity sent Anish to get Jay and Silent Bob and turned back to Bethany and Maggie. The attempt to open the window wasn't very successful.

"You remember when the Egyptians went after Moses and the Jews, right?" She asked Bethany. Bethany nodded her head. Serendipity continued,

"Well, as you know, the whole Egyptian army and Pharaoh died when Moses closed the sea. Obviously, they went to Hell. But Lucifer had other plans for them. He decided to make them assassins. He only sends them on important missions. The only way they can get onto earth through a large body of water. Wait, which is the closest body of water?"

Bethany though for a moment and replied, "Lake Michigan, why, do you think those guys came though there?" The door busted open and there stood a fairly tall man who looked as if he were still decomposing. Bethany looked a bit grossed out.

"Scions! Thou will not leave this place alive!" He called. At that moment, Jay and Silent Bob ran out of the bathroom with Anish following. All three freaked out when they saw the former Pharaoh.

"Ugh! That's friggin disgusting, man!" Jay shouted. Anish ran into a booth while Jay and Silent Bob just stood there. He then pulls them in. Just then, Rory and Rufus get the window open.

"Come on, we know they're after you guys. They'll eventually leave when they can't find you." Rufus tells Bethany. She doesn't move. Serendipity shakes her head and says,

"No, you **all** go. Anish and I will stay here and fend them off. There are still innocent people here. Tell the Prophets to get here, now." Maggie, who's been crying, puts her hand on Serendipity's shoulder and softly says,

"Don't worry about Anish. He'll make you very proud." Serendipity smiles and they hug. Bethany and Maggie then escape through the window. Jay and Silent Bob then run in and Rory directs them through the window.

"I like her. Maggie. She reminds of Jesus. He was cute kid." Serendipity commented. Rufus smiles at her and goes out of the window. Rory is left there. Serendipity then asks her,

"You still rooting for The Voice and Bethany to get together?" Rory just smiles. Serendipity smiles a little as well and continues, "What makes you so confident that they will hook up?"

Rory gets up and as she goes through the window, she simply says,

"Just a hunch. A very big one."

She then leaps out of the window. Serendipity then focuses her attention on the Egyptians.

Over in Madison, we go back to where we left off, where Azreal just smiles. Just as he's about to say something, George's cell phone rings and he answers it. After a few seconds, he hangs it up and tells Azreal,

            "Look, I gotta go. Here's my card. If you wanna screw someone over, give me a call." He then turns to leave. Azreal glances at George's card and calls to him,

            "If I wanna make someone miserable, I'll do it myself. Aren't you even just a little curious about your past? The feud between God and Lucifer?" George sighs turns back to him.

            "I'm an atheist. How are you even sure there is a God and a Devil?" He says to him. Azreal sighs and calls over Bartleby and Loki, who are looking at _Playboy_s. They walked over to him.

            "These men have talked to both The Devil and God himself. In person. These men are former angels. They are now demons. Horns and all. Wanna see?" Azreal told George. He then took off his hat and showed off his horns. Bartleby and Loki do the same. George goes wide-eyed.

            "W-what the hell is going on? Did Bethany hire you to annoy me? 'Cause, just to let you know, she's the one who broke up with me." He explained. Azreal seemed a little shocked and asked,

            "Wait, are you talking about Bethany Sloane?" George rolled his eyes and slowly said,

            "Uh, yeah. Wait, why am I still talking with you? I have a hot million-dollar client who just got divorced from her husband waiting for me to screw over her insurance company. Now, if you excuse me, I need to make them miserable and then I'm gonna 'knock' her up." He then walked away. Azreal then calls out, asking him,

            "There was another guy there, a fairly old guy. Brown hair, British accent, _very_ good looking for someone his age (A/N: _Had_ to put that in there. I have like 2 floppy disks with just pictures of Mr. Rickman J)." That caught George's attention. That still pissed him off.

            "What do you know about that guy? Is he, like, her new boyfriend or something?" He asked Azreal. Azreal smiled and replied,

            "Do you believe in God?" George sighed again.

            "Maybe. Why, what does 'God' have to do with him?" He commented. Azreal crossed his arms and slyly said,

            "You're not gonna believe me. But that's okay. You will in time. I'll only tell you if you are ready to accept your past. So are you?" George dropped his briefcase and walked to Azreal.

            "Yeah, I guess. What am I? Something evil?" He asked. Azreal continued smiling.

A/N: HA! Another cliffhanger. Just to keep you reading. Don't worry. You'll learn about George within the next 2 chapters. But you will have to keep reading 'til the end to see if The Metatron and Bethany hook up. Hehehehe…


	9. What Do Want, A Cookie?

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks. ~**KeY**~: Both the Metatron and Azreal will be telling the same story in this chapter so the words in _italics_ will be The Metatron speaking and the words in underline will be Azreal speaking.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

South Bend, Illinois: We see Bethany, Rufus, and Rory sitting in a McDonald's. Jay and Silent Bob are hitting on a couple a young mothers. Maggie, on the other hand, was playing in the jungle gym. As they eat, we hear a slap come out of nowhere. A young mother stands up, takes her son by the hand, and leaves. Jay is rubbing his cheek.

            "I swear to God I didn't know you were married!" He says and turns to Silent Bob, "Geez, are all women with kids _that_ damn prude?" Silent Bob just shakes his head and lights up a cigarette. Bethany mixes her soda with a straw as she watches Maggie. She seemed to be making friends, which was good. ~Maybe they could be her Apostles~ She thought in a kidding manner. Bethany then looked out the window and her jaw dropped. It was snowing steadily, the sky gray and white, and they were walking it to New Jersey.

            "_Oh the weather outside is frightful, And yet the fire is so delightful, When you got no place to go_-" Rory sang when Bethany interrupted her,

            "You continue that song, I swear to God I'll cut off your wings and shove 'em down your throat." Rory seemed a bit shocked, but she then turned back to her McFlurry.

            "Um, Rory, can I ask you something?" Bethany asked. Rory took a sip from her soda and replied,

            "Shoot." 

            "What is your job in Heaven? I get Metatron's role, Bartleby's old job, and Loki's, but I don't know what you do." She questioned. Rory gave a little sigh.

            "I help judge the good from the sinned. You're probably thinking, 'Wait, isn't that _God_'s job?' Technically, it is. But do you really think God can judge over 6 **billion** people on whether they're going to Heaven or Hell? I don't think so. But it is Her final decision. I also give epiphanies. Remember when Cat Stevens converted to Islam?" She explained. Bethany nodded her head,

            "Made possible by yours truly! But not all are successful. Remember a couple of years back when they made the re-make of _Planet of the Apes_?" Rory continued. Bethany nodded her head again,

            "Tried like **hell** to stop that. You saw how that turned out. Those are just examples of what I do." She finished her explanation and took a bite of her McFlurry. Bethany then started to rethink that apostle thing.

            "Will she have apostles? Maggie?" She asked Rory. Rory put down her McFlurry and looked Bethany in the eye. She took in a deep breath and replied,

            "I believe so, yeah. That is, if we can round up 13 babies. Us Angels are very picky about who we screw." Bethany thought about this for a minute. She remembered when Metatron showed her his lack-of genitalia.

            "_See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll._" Rang through her ears. Before she could ask, Rory stated,

            "I know _exactly_ what you're thinking. 'Angels have no genitalia'. That's true for **male** angels. See, back a few years after Christ was born, Bartleby and Loki got a little restless in those Wisconsin woodlands. So, they raped a couple of local girls. When God found out…She was pissed. That same day, She removed all male angel genitalia and said, 'Male Angels will no longer have sex until Bartleby and Loki apologize for what they've done'. Seems kinda stupid, right? Wrong. God also erased the event from their memory so now they don't even know that they did that. So now, for the past 2,000 years, male angels can't watch porn and get that excitement that they would get if they had a dick. Female angels, on the other hand, God let us keep our clits. We're the ones who gave birth to the Apostles. You can't get that kind of loyalty from a person, can you? We now have what is it…12 Apostles? I'm not sure. But expect 13. As for our little discussion here, don't tell the Metatron that _I_ was the one who told you this. Gives him less to bitch about." Bethany then continued to watch Maggie. She showed off GIR to the other little girls who had dolls. For some reason, George's voice went through her head as she watched,

            "_You have to admit, she's a pain in the ass._" Then, Metatron's explanation of how he knew about George sprung up in her head,

            "_I was assigned a couple of years ago to research that guy…_" Bethany turned her head back to Rory and asked,

            "Why did God want Metatron to research George? It was something bad he did, wasn't it?" Rory and Rufus turned their heads to each other, Rufus barely able to take a sip from his soda. Both were silent. Bethany continued,

            "I have a right to know. I'm a Scion. Even when I dated him, I knew he was a coldhearted, atheist lawyer but for some reason I was attracted to him. I wanna know why." Rory took in a deep breath.

            "I…I don't think I'm the right angel to tell you." She told her. Just then, a familiar voice replied to that,

            "Of coarse she won't tell you. She'll leave that to me." The Metatron walked forward to their table. Rufus then breathlessly said,

"The Voice!" Metatron pulled up a chair to the table.

            "If I hear someone call me 'The Voice' one more time I think _my_ head will explode." He commented as he sat down. As he tried to grab Rory's soda, she slapped his hand.

            "Ow! Bloody Christ, you call yourself an angel!" He snapped. Rory eyed him and replied,

            "Just tell her." The Metatron sighed and explained,

            "Now, your good friend George comes from something far from a divine heritage. His past is so horrific that he is reborn into a new generation to prevent him from remembering any of it. But when he does, he recreates it, only making it twice as worse. We've tried to stop him, but he's the kind you just can't kill. I think you know what I mean." Bethany is a little shell-shocked. Jay and Silent Bob joined in listening.

            "What the hell does all that mean?" Jay asks, confused. The Metatron just slams his hands on the table, pissed at them. Rufus and Rory then look at the two and say flatly together in unison,

            "He's a demon!"

            "I'm a WHAT?" George asked Azreal. Obviously, he's been telling the same story. Azreal just kept smiling as he told the strange tale,

            "You heard me. A full-fledged demon." George shakes his head. He was still an atheist. But this guy was now claiming that he was a demon. A bad guy. George knew he was evil. All lawyers are. But that joke was now getting out of hand a bit.

            "I-I can't be a demon. Not even 25 minutes ago I didn't believe there was a God or a Devil. Now you're telling me I work for a little red guy with horns and all?" He questioned. Azreal sighed and as he's about to continue, we flash back and forth both to The Metatron and Azreal speaking,

            "_First of all, he's no ordinary demon. He's a fertility demon._ That basically means that you go around knocking off chicks and get them pregnant._ Nice little job he has, doesn't he? Been doing it for quite some time._ You've been doing this gig for 5,000 years. Pretty cool, huh?_ He's one of those reasons why God drowned the world. Of coarse, she didn't know he was a demon._ But you popped up everywhere in history. The Bible didn't include you 'cause you were like the all the men of those times… _A drunken, womanizer who had nothing better to do than cause trouble around the village. And YOU _[Bethany]_ were going to bang him. You, a SCION._ You almost 'jumped the bones' of a Scion! Congrats! What stopped you? _I'm waiting for a 'Thank you, Metatron, for stopping me from getting laid…by a demon!' No? Don't expect me to do it again._ The Voice stopped you? Damn. Anyways, back to what you are. _George was called 'Junius' for a while. I don't think it was until the 1970's when his human parents decided to rename._ George…what a pussy name. From now on, I'm gonna call you Junius, okay? Alright. _But you must **always** expect someone to tell him about his past. Then he remembers-_And then you go on a big ass killing spree. But not now. Not at this time. We're trying to keep a low profile. So if you can push off the killing, then we're cool, like Fonzie! _My guess: Azreal's found him and he's telling him all about his past."_ (A/N: Me: Good guess, Metatron! Mr. Rickman: Thank you. Me: No prob. You pull him off nicely. Wait a second; I actually think I'm talking to Alan Rickman? I think I am losing it…) Everyone at the McDonald's table went silent, as did George in Wisconsin. After a few seconds, Jay announced,

            "This guy is my hero!" Rory then slapped him out of his chair. Silent Bob didn't bother helping him up. How Justice (from _Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back_) fell in love with Jay remains an enigma. But Jay got back up, unfortunately, and then asked the table of people,

            "What? He's screwed hot women since, like, forever. Who wouldn't consider this guy cool?" Everyone then stared at him blankly and turned away, disgusted. Jay just shakes his head and whispers to Silent Bob,

            "Yo, Lunchbox, let's go somewhere else where they appreciate a pimp like myself. Hey, check out that fine ass lady right there! You comin'?" Silent Bob looks at the woman who had a small baby with her. He then points to her wedding ring.

            "Screw that. See you lata, Tubby." He said and walked to the woman. Silent Bob just shakes his head sits at the table. The Metatron then takes in a deep breathe and continues with what information he has,

            "Also, I just got done talking with Horace down in Limbo. We've got a problem. Someone's closed the gates to Heaven and Hell. Guess who?" Rory thinks for a moment and then goes wide-eyed.

            "Wait, wait, this isn't Lucifer's work?" She asked. Metatron picked up a cup, snapped his fingers, and took a sip. Immediately, he spat the liquid into an empty.

            "Hello! I asked you a question and all you're concerned with at the moment is your damn Tequila which we can't even consume!" She yelled at him. At that moment, another slap came from another table. The woman who Jay was eyeing before seemed to have gotten fed up with him, and took off in a huff. Jay sighed, rubbing his cheek again, and called to her,

            "I didn't know you were a lesbian! I have a friend who has experience with a lesbo who turned bi for a little bit!" The Metatron just shook his head and continued,

            "Excuse me for getting a bit to almost drink. Now, not even God herself can break those barriers. Can any of you think of who is clever enough to be able to do something like this?" Bethany thought for a moment and replied,

            "Azreal? I mean, he did mastermind the last world-threatening event. I'm right, aren't I?" The Metatron eyed her and almost snapped,

            "What do you want, a cookie? Who else. Bartleby and Loki are morons. They could never mastermind something like this. Maybe enforce it, but never mastermind it. Those are the only demons that came out of Hell, unless you count that one Demon Lackey. But that's it." After a few seconds of thinking, Bethany then asked Metatron,

            "What's a Demon Lackey?" Rufus then answered instead, giving The Metatron a break,

            "A Demon Lackey obeys the commands of the average demon. Satan originally created them in hopes of making his own human beings. Of coarse, he didn't succeed so he made them the slaves of his demons. Anything else you're curious about?" Bethany shakes her head. Metatron looks at his watch and comments,

            "Dear Lord, is that the time? I need to go meet with other angels. Oh, and if you meet another angel named Shaylee on your travels, tell her to start working on her bloody kid! I already talked with her, but she probably forgot." Before he disappeared, he glanced at Maggie playing. He then disappeared in a flash.

Meanwhile, on the train, Serendipity was busy trying to reason with the assassins. They were already trying to kill the innocents. Anish was busy helping them escape through a window.

            "Why are you here? The Scions are not aboard. See for yourself!" She shouted at them. But they didn't seem to care. She decided to confront them face-face. Serendipity walked up to the dead Pharaoh and kicked him in his balls. The assassin dropped to his knees and cried,

            "No more! Low profile, my followers. He told not to kill just anyone. As for you Muse, you will get yours when he comes to power." Serendipity looked down on him and asked,

            "Who? Lucifer? God would never allow it." The former Pharaoh laughed at her comment.

            "You muses and humans crack me up. Every time something bad happens you always give The Devil the credit. The one we obey…he is much more clever. He will far surpass Lucifer, and he will surpass God himself-" He was cut off by Serendipity,

            "**Her**self. I've met God and I know that She is a she." The dead demon groaned.

            "That's not the point. The point is that out new master's role will not be God's and not be the Devil's. It shall be both." The Pharaoh explained. He then snapped his fingers and he and his army turned into dust. The wind then swept it away. Serendipity just stood there as Anish stood behind her, hearing everything.


	10. The Return of Horace

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks. **Error**: I want to point out an error I made in the last chapter. I wrote South Bend, **Illinois** when it was suppose to be South Bend, **Indiana**. My apologies to those in South Bend, Indiana. **December 23, 2002**: It's almost Christmas here in New Jersey and I wanna just say to all my readers…**_MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!!_**

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

Bethany took the keys that the man behind the counter layed out. They had left the McDonald' restaurant and just checked into a motel. Bethany led the gang to their room. When they opened their room, they found two Queen-sized beds and a television. Immediately, Jay said,

            "I'm sharing a bed with Bethany!" Rufus then backslapped him. He looked him in the eye and replied,

            "You are goin' nowhere **near** her t'night. You, me, and Tubby are gonna share one bed while Bethany, Rory, and Short 'N' Sweet are sharing the other." Rory turned on the T.V., obviously wanting to see the _Spongebob Christmas Special with Patchy the Pirate_ (A/N: Hehehe…was watching that the other night.). From the television came,

            "Now, _The Mooby Network_ presents _A Very Mooby Chanukah_. Tomorrow night at 8:00 PM we will start the _A Very Mooby Christmas_ 24-hour marathon just for Christmas Eve." Then the song _Festival of Eternal Lights_ starts playing. (A/N: To anyone who isn't Jewish; that's a real song. My school band [which I'm apart of] plays that song every year). Maggie plopped in front of the T.V. and watched the special. Rory shook her head and turned to Bethany and Rufus.

            "I think Loki had the right idea of killing those guys who run this." She commented. Rufus nodded his head in agreement. Jay and Silent Bob then went into the bathroom to do, uh, that stuff that they usually do. (A/N: You people know what they're doing!)

            "Sweet Jesus, how many Mooby specials are there?" Bethany asked. Both Rory and Rufus started using their fingers to count.

            "8 specials: _A Very Mooby Christmas, A Very Mooby Chanukah, Mooby's Halloween Spooktacular, Mooby and the Meaning of Passover, Mooby's Easter Eggstravaganza, Mooby's 1st Chinese New Year, Back to School for Mooby, _and _Mooby in the White House_. The last one was to teach kids about politics." Rory explained. Bethany was amazed by how popular Mooby was. She just sighed and sat down. She opened up the newspaper to see the main headline. **POPE LEAVES ROME FOR NEW JERSEY DESPITE CURRENT HEALTH PROBLEMS**. Rufus read the article over Bethany's shoulder.

            "It's a disgrace that the Catholic Church keeps him in power. Man can barely sit up let alone run the Roman Catholic Empire." He muttered. Bethany just shakes her head, reading aloud the some of the article,

            " 'The Pope is scheduled to host the Christmas Eve masses in Red Bank, New Jersey tomorrow. But today, before leaving Rome, The Pope claimed that something has possessed him, something evil. Cardinals working there deny the claims. John Paul III left Rome around 11:30 AM but is currently in a Paris hospital for what seems to be a small seizure despite there being no evidence to support this. The Pope will be released at 7:00 AM tomorrow and arrive in New Jersey at noon to prepare for the masses.' Jesus, the way they treat this guy is horrible. And my mother wonders why I'm not gonna send Maggie to Catholic School." Maggie, meanwhile, has been listening to the conversation.

Flash to Serendipity and Anish walking down the high way rapidly while it snows. Serendipity doesn't seem to notice while Anish is freezing. It never got cold in India.

            "Serendipity, how many more miles is it to New Jersey? This white, wet substance is very cold." He asked her. Serendipity stopped and turned to him, realizing he was human and easily got cold.

            "Many miles, Anish. We're still in Illinois. Here, take this. I really don't need it." She told him, giving him her leather jacket. As he put it on, he thanked her.

            "How will we find the others? We have no idea where they are." Anish commented. Serendipity sighed. She knew he was right. Just then, Serendipity spotted a van driving down the highway and started waving her hands while shouting,

            "Lazzaro, Lazzaro! Over here!" The van then slowly pulled over. The door slid open and there stood an average-looking Italian man,

            "Serendipity! What are you doing here on Earth? I thought She let you back in." He asked with his Sicilian accent. The two then hugged. As they let go, we see a shot of Anish who is very confused. Serendipity turned to him and explained,

            "Anish, this Lazzaro. He, too, is a Muse." Anish nodded his head in understanding. Lazzaro helped them in and drove off. Anish, who was still curious who this guy was, questioned him,

            "What is your profession here on Earth?" He really hoped that Lazzaro wasn't a stripper like Serendipity.

            "I work orphanage, not a strip joint unlike **some muses I know**. I inspire children with career choices, ideas, with futures. It's very rewarding to see kids you've inspired on the cover of _Time_ magazine. As of late, I've heard that some of Serendipity's inspirees have appeared on the cover of _Hustler_. Isn't that nice?" He told Anish. Serendipity then punched Lazzaro in the arm. He seemed a little shocked and said to her,

            "What! You know it's true. You, my good friend, have reached an all-time low. You inspired Beethoven to write _Symphony no. 9_ for Christ's sake! The last great thing you did was inspire that English woman to write about that Harry kid and Hogwarts." Anish's jaw dropped. He turned to Serendipity.

            "You mean-" Anish was saying until Serendipity interrupted him,

            "Yes, witches and wizards exist. Actually, Dumbledore and God are quite good friends. But we have more important things to worry about. Like where Bethany, Rufus, Rory, the Prophets, and The Last Scion are. They could be anywhere." Everyone in the van went silent. Lazzaro started the engine and got back onto the highway.

            "So, why are you two looking for the Last Scion? Last I remember, The Scion is only tapped when something bad is going on." He questioned. Serendipity sighed and replied,

            "Bartleby and Loki." Lazzaro slowed down a bit. He glanced towards Serendipity.

            "Don't tell me it's the plenary indulgence loop hole-" Lazzaro began when Serendipity interrupted him,

            "They're demons now. They tried that 5 years ago. We think it's Lucifer's work. But…before, the Pharaoh mentioned he had new master, someone who would play the roles of both God and Lucifer." Lazzaro shook his head and asked,

            "How come no one told me about Bartleby and Loki? How did you know? You were the prodigal!"

            "I met Rufus, The Last Scion, and the Prophets while 'working'. They told me what was happening so I decided to help. And in the end, She let me back in."

            "But…you actually met the Last Scion?"

            "**Both**, to be accurate. There is a new savior on Earth."

            "You…you mean-"

            "Her name is Maggie. She's a very sweet girl. And Anish and me don't know where to find them. Got any ideas, bright boy?" Lazzaro was quiet for a minute, thinking about Serendipity's question.

            "Shaylee. We can ask her. All she has to do is go to Heaven and locate them."

            "Well, where is she?" Serendipity asked. Lazzaro sighed and looked forward.

            "Cleveland." She replied. Serendipity sighed and slumped into her seat. It was going to be a **long** drive.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin: Azreal walks George from a ticket booth, Bartleby and Loki following. We hear a little of what Azreal is telling George,

            "In the Mid-evil times, you were in your prime. Banging girls left to right. Good times. During the Mid-evil period was Lucifer's last attempt at the throne. Of coarse, he failed and **we** took the blame. But he got **more** pissed at us when the Renaissance came around. Bad times for you…" Bartleby and Loki listened quietly.

            "Do you think that Azreal might be keeping something from us?" Loki whispered to Bartleby. Bartleby glanced to him and asked,

            "What do you mean?" The two former angels stopped a little so Azreal would be farther away.

            "It just doesn't seem right. Lucifer sending us to kill the Last Scions to conquer Heaven? Doesn't make sense. And Azreal just said to that guy that Lucifer's last attempt at the throne was during the Mid-evil ages. Doesn't that say something?" Loki questioned. Bartleby shook his and layed his hand on Loki's shoulder. Then, he simply said,

            "You're **still** just a simple creature. It's best not to question Lucifer's actions. We don't wanna be banished from both Paradise **and** The Fiery Pits." Bartleby then started walking faster to catch up to Azreal and George. Loki kept him back.

            "You remember the old days when we were back home. Lucifer was going after that throne **constantly**. Practically every month. Why would he all of a sudden decide **not** try to conquer Heaven? None the less, **700 years**? Don't tell me you're not the least bit suspicious. Think about it, Bartleby!" He explained. After a moment, Bartleby shook his head and blew him off, walking to Azreal and George. Loki froze for a moment. He then started walking slowly.

**_~*Heaven*~_**: Amongst the clouds, a replica of Central Park stood. The sky was a creamy white, the roads cobblestone, and the trees in full bloom. Pink, blue, yellow, red, orange, white, and violet flowers layed across everywhere. There were park benches and horse driven carriages, but not as many as there was bird fountains. All sorts of animals wondered about. This is Heaven. This is what you earn for being good. The feeling you get from being there is like the feeling from the happiest moment of your life times 1,000. We see Metatron pop in. As he walks to somewhere, Horace runs after him, calling out,

            "Metatron, Metatron! We must speak!" The Metatron stops and gives out a long sigh. He turns to Horace.

            "What now, Horace?" He asks through his teeth. Horace stops, catching his breath. A moment later, he replied,

            "I've been looking everywhere for you. I have very important news." Metatron rubbed his forehead. That was the problem with lower angels. They never got to the point of things.

            "Well, what is it!?" He said to him. Horace took in a deep breath and explained,

            "While in Limbo, Lucifer said something to me in a fit of rage. He said, (A/N: Horace says it in Lucifer's voice) 'Not only are there no new souls here, but 4 of my best demons and a Demon Lackey are missing.' I know that Azreal, Bartleby, and Loki aren't there, but I couldn't figure out who else was a High demon. Until I thought of…_her_." After a few moments, The Metatron realized what he meant by _her_.

            "Are you sure that it's _her_ that's on Earth?" He asked, concern filling his voice. Horace looked around him, seeing if there were any souls around. He then turned back to Metatron and whispered,

            "Lucifer didn't mention anything about missing a fertility demon, so Junius is out. He mentioned no normal demons. And _she_ is the only one who would side with Azreal. We must notify the Lord." Metatron looked at the entrance to Heaven, which was a few feet away from the angels.

            "I'll tell Her what you told me. If everything is going alright in Limbo, besides the souls not being able to enter Heaven and Hell, then you go and warn all the angels and muses on Earth about _her_." He told him. Horace nods his head and disappears. Metatron then goes off to find God.


	11. Clever Girl

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

It's 1:30 AM in Indiana. Maggie is sleeping at the foot of the bed while Bethany is leaning on the headboard. Jay and Silent Bob were out getting a six-pack of _Coors Light_. Rufus and Rory are sitting on the other bed, discussing the birth of Christ.

            "How can you be sure that there were really Sheppards at the birth? While only Luke writes about them, both Matthew and a non-biblical writer, James, both wrote about the Three Wise men." Rufus explained. Bethany listened closely to their conversation. She had been interested lately about Jesus' life. Rory just shook her head.

            "There were **both** Sheppards and Wise Men. **I** was there. And **I** was the angel who told them about the birth of Christ. It took while for the Wise men to get there. Jesus was like, 1-½ years old when they actually got to Bethlehem. I mean, back then if you weren't an angel, it took you awhile to get from one city to another, let alone Babylonia to Judea! You know that Apostle." The Angel responded. Bethany thought about the fact that the Three Wise Men visited Jesus. She then replied,

            "Wait, wait. If the Three Wise Men actually came to Bethlehem, then that means they met with King Herod. Which means…" Bethany cut herself off. She remembered learning about this in Catholic school. That whole week, Bethany had felt mortally horrified.

            "The Slaughter of the Innocence. I remember it as if it were yesterday." Rory commented.

We now see a flashback. It's Bethlehem at the time of Herod the Great. Immediately, we see a spear being driven into the heart of an infant baby. A loud cry comes from his young mother. It's clearly The Slaughter of the Innocence. We then see The Metatron and Rory standing there, watching. As we hear more cries come from the infants, Rory breaks into tears and cries in Metatron's arms. The scene is so intense, that even The Metatron looks away.

Rory snaps out of her memory. She clears her throat a bit. She glances at Maggie and asks,

            "Have you told Maggie yet?" Bethany stares at her and shakes her head a little at Rory's question. She herself then asked,

            "Told her what?" Unbeknownst to everyone in the room, Maggie was starting to wake up. As soon as she was halfway awake, she heard Rory say,

            "That she's God's only Daughter, the sister of Christ himself. When did you plan on telling her?" Bethany looks down and sighs.

            "I don't know, maybe when she's-" Before she can finish her comment, Maggie weakly asks,

            "What?" Everyone stares at her. Tears start to form at her eyes. As Bethany tries to hug Maggie, she leaps off the bed and heads for the door. Rufus got up and tried to stop her. Maggie saw him, stopped, held out her hands, and cried out,

            "GO AWAY!" Suddenly, Rufus flew back into the motel wall. Rory then ran over to check on him. As Maggie approaches the door, it opens and there stands Jay and Silent Bob, back from the liquor store. Maggie easily goes past them, mainly do to them doing nothing to stop her. She disappears from site. Bethany angrily looks at them.

            "WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HER!?" She shouted at them. Jay scoffs at her and replies,

            "She's a mature person, let her make her own decisions." Bethany face goes red with even more anger and shouts at them,

            "SHE'S FIVE YEARS-OLD, YOU MORON!" Jay jumps back and meekly says,

            "I said she's **mature**, not **old**." Bethany screams and runs out to find Maggie. After a few seconds of silence, Rory questions,

            "Okay, did we just loose **both** Scions in under 30 seconds?"

We see Maggie running through the forest behind the motel. She hears her mother calling for her. This made her run faster. Just as she turned at a corner, she fell through thin ice. As she sunk down, Bethany arrived and called out her name. When she hears no response, Bethany immediately runs away. Maggie, meanwhile, can't swim and is slowly drowning. Just as her fate was about to be sealed, someone pulls her out. There stands The Metatron with Maggie in his arms. He pats her on the back and immediately she starts coughing up water. Metatron lays her on the ice.

            "Running away won't solve your problems, ya know. Don't they teach you that in _Blue's Clues _or something like that?" He comments. Maggie spits out the last of the water in her system, while crying.

            "It can't be true. It just can't. Metatron, tell Rory and Mommy that it can't be true. God can't be my daddy. He just can't be." She whimpered. Metatron saw her shivering like mad hell so he picked her up again and tucked her in under his jacket.

            "Ah, Maggie, that I cannot do. I can't change the truth. Better you found out now than later. If we told you any later in life, you would've been even more upset." He explained. Maggie wipes her eyes and says,

            "I told you I'd see you in a couple of days." The Metatron laughed at her comment. To that, he responded,

            "Actually, I visited your mum just yesterday." The little girl smiled.

            "I said **I** would see you in a couple of days. I never said anything about Mommy." She told him. Metatron gave a little smile and said,

            "Clever…girl. A bit nippy out here, isn't it? I say we go somewhere with a bit more…class." He then snaps his fingers.

Flash to the _Olive Garden_ in Staten Island, New York. At a table, there sits Bethany, Rufus, Rory, Jay, Silent Bob, and Maggie, who was sitting next to her mom and was still quite soaked.

            "Maggie? Oh my God, don't you EVER do that to Mommy again!" Bethany said and hugged her daughter. The rest of the gang looks around the restaurant.

            "Now that I got everyone's attention, I say we get down to business." Metatron says as he sits at the table. Before Rufus can speak, the seraphim cuts in,

            "Apostle, shut up. I see we're still two muses short." Rory looks toward The Metatron.

            "Any news from Heaven?" She asks. Metatron sighs and replies,

            "Besides God being **extremely** pissed…yes, actually. We have reason to believe that _she_ maybe on Earth. I suggest that both you and me head back up stairs." Rory then became paler than she usually is. Bethany looked at the angels and questioned,

            "Who's '_she_'?" Rory looked down and shook her head, simply saying,

            "It's nothing. Nothing _super_ important. A-anything else, Metatron?" Metatron thought for a moment.

            "Well, just so you know, I just transferred all of you from Indiana to New York. All you need to do now is take a bus to Red Bank." He said. Rufus then asked,

            "How are we gonna get anywhere **near** Red Bank? I mean, Pope John Paul III is gonna be there tomorrow and it is gonna be **packed**. You know that." Metatron took in a deep breath and commented,

            "Apostle, you know better than to question the plan of God. She'll get you there **some** how." Meanwhile, Jay had been studying Silent Bob's hand movements. Finally, Jay asked Metatron,

            "Why don't we talk to this Pope guy and tell him our situation? If Lunchbox over here is right, then that John Paul III dude should be able to feel Bethany and Midget's 'divine presence'." The table sat in silence.

            "Are you sure that **both** of them are prophets?" Bethany asked. Metatron, continuing to stare at Jay and Silent Bob, merely said,

            "One must translate." After a few minutes, Rory commented,

            "Holy crap, we're like the Corleone family! God's Vito, Metatron's Clemenza, I'm Tom Hagen, Bethany's Michael, Rufus is Fredo, Maggie's Anthony [Michael's son…for those who haven't seen _The Godfather_], Jay's Sonny, and Silent Bob is Luca Brasi! Omigod, Mario Puzo was _so_ a prophet!" Bethany just laughed at her insight.

A/N: Sorry I didn't get any of the other's actions. I have relatives coming up and it's like 11:34 PM here in New Jersey. I'll try to write another chapter soon.


	12. Isaiah: 9,5

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again? **Error**: OMG, I can't believe I made this mistake. Okay, in my previous chapters, I said the current Pope is John Paul **III**. I meant it to write John Paul **II**, the current Pope. My mom and I weren't sure what the number was. AND WE'RE CATHOLIC! My apologies to all the crazy-strict Catholics.

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

A bus goes zooming by, with Azreal, George, Bartleby, and Loki in the back.  While Azreal is trying to get some shut-eye, George is looking through the Bible.  As he reads, he just shakes his head.

            "I can hardly understand half of this shit. How do Christians do it? I have trouble hooking up a VCR, and now I'm supposed to understand _this_? This is bullshit." George complains. Azreal looks over at him and says,

            "Ask Laurel and Hardy over there. They're actually in it." George sighs and taps Bartleby, who is sitting next to him, on the shoulder. Bartleby turns to him.

            "You were around when this shit was written. What the hell does this all mean?" He asked. Bartleby glances at the place where George is reading. He chuckles a little.

            "Ah, Isaiah. He liked poetry, so he tried to make his writings like that." Bartleby explains. He leans back and closes his eyes. Out of nowhere, he starts muttering,

            "_For a child is born to us, a son is_

_                    given us;_

_                 upon his shoulder dominion rests._

_            They name him Wonder-Counselor,_

_                    God-Hero,_

_              Father Forever, Prince of Peace_." Loki, who is sitting on the other side of Bartleby, replies,

            "Isaiah: 9-5. You always did like that passage." Bartleby slowly opens his eyes and gave a little smile. He remembered the olden days when they were still in Paradise. His smile fades and he softly says,

            "Yeah."

Flash to a small town in New Jersey. Our heroes are in a Duncan Donuts eating breakfast. The place is empty except for them. Bethany takes a sip of her coffee. She just sighs.

            "I still can't come to grips that **me**, a girl who worked in an abortion clinic, was the descendent of **Christ**. Kinda funny if you think about it." Bethany comments. Rory looks up at her and simply says,

            "Mary Magdalene was a tramp, she's now a saint. The Lord is very forgiving. **Never**-**forget**-**that**." Bethany nods her head. Rufus takes a bite into his donut. After he's finished chewing, he remarks,

            "I feel bad for the Jews, ya know? They have been enslaved, conquered, tortured, and ridiculed for the past 4,000 years. And now Palestinians want Israel? You'd **think** that they would give them a break, **especially** after the Holocaust. I mean, Jerusalem is all they got. Those Muslims have Mecca. Did you know that during the Plague people actually accused Jews of causing it? It's bad, Bethany. That's one of the reasons why Maggie has been sent. She was sent here to bring redemption for The Chosen People. God's favorite race. The Hebrews." The room is silent again. We then hear the door open. They turn their heads to see Serendipity, Anish, and Shaylee. Rory recognizes them and happily says,

            "Shaylee! I haven't seen you since the beginning of the Cold War!" She runs towards Shaylee and they hug. Serendipity smiles and walks to the table.

            "Thank God we found you. We got some bad news." She said. Bethany sighs and replies,

            "Metatron told us that it isn't Lucifer behind this, Azreal is. **And** he's found my ex, George, who is really a thousands of year-old demon who goes around impregnating girls." Serendipity is a little shocked. As the other two angels join them, the door opens again. This time, a beautiful woman with long, blonde curly hair in dark clothing, topped with a black cowboy hat walks in. She walks up to the counter and asks,

            "Hi! Can I have a um…" She studies the items and the prices. The angels, Serendipity, and Rufus stare at her.

            "Is that-" Rufus whispers when Rory interrupted,

            "I think so. Shit." The woman finally says,

            "How about a couple of…_têtes mortes de point_." The two men, who are Hindu, look at each other. One of them says,

            "Excuse me, miss, but we've never heard of it." The woman nods her head, sticks her tongue into the side of her cheek, and calmly replies,

            "Well, I guess I'll **just** have to make a couple myself." Out of nowhere, she snaps the men's necks and drops them on the floor. The group sees this and Serendipity whispers,

            "Go! Run!" As Bethany, Maggie, Rufus, Jay, and Silent Bob run to the door, the woman shouts,

            "Stop them!" Immediately, we see the return of the Stygian triplets, who blocked the door with their sticks. The woman smiles and walks to Rory.

            "Aurora! Pleasant surprise seeing you here! Didn't expect to see a Seraphim in Duncan Donuts. Ooh, and looky-here! Shaylee, a Grigori. Must be my lucky day!" She said cheerfully. Rory looked her in the eye and replied,

            "Cassandra. Heaven's doing fine without you. I like it 'skankless'." The woman, her name Cassandra, pulls out a knife and directs it under Rory's chin.

"That's not very nice. You would've hurt my feelings…if I had any. Now, let's just sit tight, 'cause the show's about to begin." She said slyly. Suddenly, there was a knock at the glass door. Standing there was no one other than…Nancy! After a few seconds, she shouts from outside,

"Hello? Why is this door locked? I know you guys are towel heads and all, so you gotta let me in!" Cassandra sighs and tells the leader to let Nancy in. As she enters, she spots Bethany and exclaims,

"Omigod! Good to see you, Mrs. Sloan! Um, what are you doing in **Franklin**?" A triplet points his hockey stick at her throat. She immediatley shuts up. Everyone sits down as Cassandra walks around with her knife. Bethany held tight to Maggie. She had never been more scared in her life.

A/N: Ha! Another cliffhanger! Now you all now who _she_ is. Only a couple of more chapters until the story is finished. I never thought I would get this far! Thank you to all who reviewed.


	13. Hostage in the Duncan Donuts

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

We see our gang sitting in Duncan Donuts, under the watchful eye of Cassandra and the Stygian Triplets. Bethany studied Cassandra. She didn't look all that evil. Cassandra looked a lot like Shaylee. Bethany leaned toward Serendipity and commented,

            "She doesn't look all that hellish…except maybe for that outfit." Serendipity gave a little sigh and replied,

            "Cassandra is a former seraphim. And if I last recall, **very** jealous of Metatron and Aurora…" Cassandra sneered at Serendipity. She sat on the counter and put her knife in her lap.

            "You like bending the truth, don't cha Serendipity? The only thing I was jealous of was how God treated Metatron and Aurora over here. And the other 3 seraphims for that matter. But I can't do anything…yet." Cassandra said, smiling slyly. Maggie clung to her mother. Jay, meanwhile, was like a dog in heat. 

            "Hey bitch, you do anal? 'Cause I'm pretty good at doing that." He called to Cassandra. She looked at him, disgusted. A Stygian triplet hit Jay with his hockey stick. Rufus shook his head at Jay and turned to Cassandra.

            "What's this all about? Oh, don't tell me you're still pissed at **that**." He commented. Cassandra jumped off the counter, her knife in hand. She looked even more pissed than before. Bethany was confused again.

            "What? What happened?" She asked. Rory kept looking at Cassandra and explained,

            "During the war between the Loyal and the Renegades, Cassandra claimed to be on our side. But actually, she was a spy for Lucifer. During the end, Cassandra realized we were gonna win. Just before she was gonna abandon the Renegades, the war ended. We, the seraphims, found out about this and immediately told God. And oh was She pissed…" She was then cut off by Cassandra, who finished the tale,

            "God then caste me out of Paradise, but not before the Seraphims gave me this." She licked her finger and pressed it against her left eye-lid. Suddenly, a little burst of flame occurred there. After it went out, a huge scar appears where Cassandra's left eye should be. Bethany gasped. Jay jumped back behind Silent Bob.

            "A little present from the seraphims. Isn't that sweet?" She commented. We now see a Hindu woman, who obviously works here, is trying to sneak out. Unfortunately for her, Cassandra sees this and chucks her knife at her. It nails the woman right in the throat. Bethany screams, as does Shaylee (A/N: Remember her? Yeah, she's here) and Anish. Jay nearly jumped out of his seat. Cassandra casually walks over and pulls out her knife out of the young woman's throat. Just then, a man and a two more women ran out from the back. Cassandra sees them and says,

            "Oh, and if you three are curious, she was pregnant." She gives a little smile and walks away. The man then breaks down into tears and starts cursing in Hindi. Anish asks one of the women in Hindi something. The woman replies sadly, almost crying herself. Anish turns back to them sadly and says,

            "She was that man's wife. They had been trying for 7 months to have a child." A haze of sadness went over the Duncan Donuts. Cassandra then walked over to Shaylee, who had been very quiet.

            "Shaylee, I met up with Bartleby in The Fiery Pits. I really got to, 'know him'. Better than you." She said seductively. As Cassandra walked away, Shaylee put her head in her hands and started sobbing loudly. Rory, Serendipity, and Rufus looked on sadly.

            "What's wrong with her?" Bethany asked Serendipity. She turned her head to Bethany and replied melancholy,

            "Before the time of Moses, Bartleby was involved with Shaylee. When he was kicked out, she cried endlessly. It seemed like an eternity. But really, in Earth time, it was like a couple of months. And then, she wept **again** when Bartleby was sent to hell. That lasted about a year and a half. Between you and me, I heard from Raghnall, another angel working in Limbo, that Bartleby has been enjoying the pleasures of Cassandra. But then, who hasn't?" Cassandra heard the last part and directed her knife towards Serendipity.

            "Watch it, Muse. Too bad they don't stone girls like you anymore." She cracked. Serendipity looked her in the eye and snapped,

            "They'd stone **you** before me." She gave a little smile. A sour look came over Cassandra's face.

            "I'd kill them before they would have the chance. But that won't matter. Azreal's got those two morons in the palm of his hand. He was smart enough to close both gates, and once he kills off the last of the Scions, Earth will be his. He will be God, and Lucifer himself. And there's not one thing you can do about it. Merry Christmas, for it will be your last." She commented evilly. Things were heating up between the two. Cassandra stood before Serendipity and gave a cold look. Bethany, meanwhile, grabbed her coffee and muttered something.

            "Come on, Serendipity. You just started something with me. You wanted a fight, you got a fight!" Cassandra shouted at her. She took off her hat and out came two little horns, just like Azreal's. Just then, Bethany placed Maggie on the floor and jumped up, implying,

            "Hey, Cassandra, I think it's time you SHUT THE HELL UP!" Bethany then threw the coffee on Cassandra. Her skin started steaming while she was screaming bloody murder. The triplets are startled, which gives Rufus, Serendipity, and Shaylee the chance to jump them. All three of them started saying a prayer,

            "Out father, who art in Heaven, hallow be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and give us our trust passes, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen." Suddenly, the heads of the Stygian triplets blew up. Nancy stood in shock.

            "Um…can somebody PLEASE tell me WHAT IS GOING ON!?" She asked. Rufus sighed and replied,

            "I'll tell ya later. Hey Blondie, how far is Red Bank from here?" Jay thought for a moment.

            "About 2 hours away at the normal speed limit. But I don't know no one who actually drives it." He explained. Rufus nods his head. The three Hindus just stare at them. Maggie gets up and walks to the dead woman. She bends over and kisses the fatal wound, while saying,

            "Wake up and breath." Out of nowhere, the woman's wound heals and she gasps for air. She looks up at the little girl and tearfully says,

            "Thank you, child. You are truly a gift from the Gods." Maggie smiles at her and walks to Bethany. The three behind the counter are in shock. Nancy, who is more confused that the workers, tells Bethany,

            "Miss Sloan, I REALLY wanna know WHAT IS GOING ON!" Bethany sighs and assures her,

            "I don't know what happened just there, but I blessed the coffee, hence the-demon-burning-from-a-cold-cappuccino part. We need to leave, NOW." The man, who is overwhelmed that his beloved wife is alive, throws one of the dead worker's keys to Bethany and says,

            "Take his keys. He is with the Gods now, and you and your miracle child must get to your destination. It is the least I can do to thank you." Bethany thanks the man and the gang is off.

A/N--Finally, I this chapter finished. There was just so much to write about. I still need to like, four chapters, the last two are the epilogue and a scene, which many Rickmaniacs will enjoy. Please review. I worked really hard on this.


	14. The Side Effects of Caddyshack II, Glitt...

 Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks. **Another Note:** The *F* word will be used twice in this chapter since not only have I come over my fear to write that word, but nothing else fitted in the sayings. I'm only saying them just this time.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

We see Azreal reading a _Daredevil_ comic book. As he turns the page, he just mutters,

            "I could kick this guy's ass." George, who still is having trouble understanding the bible, just shakes his head. Loki, meanwhile, had been doing a lot of thinking. He knew Lucifer loved to corrupt people, and he was good at what he did. But, Loki wondered, is he stupid enough to try to corrupt the Last Scions? Lucifer knew better than to mess with Scions. He tried to tempt Jesus, but failed miserably. Loki was now questioning his loyalty to Lucifer, if there was any to begin with.

Bartleby, meanwhile, was determined to keep in the good graces of The Prince of Darkness. He was determined to not get kicked out of both The Pearly White Gates and The Underworld. But Loki's words repeated in his head over and over again,

            "_You remember the old days when we were back home. Lucifer was going after that throne **constantly**. Practically every month. Why would he all of a sudden decide **not** try to conquer Heaven? None the less, **700 years**?_" That struck a chord with Bartleby. He decided not to think about it.

Just then, the Demon Lackey appeared at Azreal's side. He then whispered something in Azreal's ear that made him [Azreal] jump for joy.

            "She's got them? Stupendous! Find us a hot spot. He's probably already in Red Bank. Well, what are you waiting for, you retarded form of Igor? Go!" Azreal hissed. The Demon Lackey nods his head and jumps out the window. Azreal then turned his attention towards his companions.

            "We're getting off here, boys. I'll tell the driver to let us off. AND NO KILLING PEOPLE." He sternly said. Azreal walked to the front of the bus. The bus driver kept his eyes on the road.

            "Hey driver. My companions and I wanna get off here. That okay with you?" He asked. The driver sighs and replies,

            "Whatever you want, kid." He stops the bus and opens the door. The driver turns back to Azreal.

            "But make it fast. It's freezing out there!" Azreal flashes him a smile and walks towards the back.

Loki, meanwhile, had started talking to another passenger on the bus. She was a young girl, about 18 or 19, and had a sweet smile.

            "Why are you heading to New Jersey?" He asked. The girl looked down and replied,

            "Home." A sudden thought rushed to Loki's head. Was this another outcasted angel? Was she gonna try the plenary indulgence loophole? All Loki could mutter was,

            "H-home?" The girl looked at him and answered,

            "Yeah. I live with my uncle in Sparta. But I attend NYU now, so I barely see him." Loki was a little shocked. This strawberry-blonde girl was both smart and cute.

            "Really! What do you take?" He questioned. The girl smiled. No guy had been this interested in her, not even her own boyfriend.

            "Law. I plan on becoming a lawyer." She confessed. Loki paused. Of all things, this girl had to be a law student. He stammered out,

            "A l-lawyer? The girl quickly realized this guy wasn't a fan of lawyers and quickly said,

            "I wanna be the good kind, like Atticus Finch. Besides, my uncle's a Catholic priest and found out I was a corrupt lawyer, he'd freak." This assured Loki partly, but he was now greatly worried since he was a demon and her uncle's a priest. Just then, he felt someone tap him on the shoulder. Loki turned to see Bartleby standing behind him.

            "Lo-" Bartleby cut himself short. He decided to use their code names, "Larry, we're getting off. Az…Al and George are waiting." Loki looked back at the girl and asked Bartleby,

            "Bart…Barry, don't you even want to even meet Danielle-" Bartleby interrupted him,

            "NOW, Larry." Loki looks at the girl, Danielle, and bids her good-bye. Danielle waves good-bye to him as he leaves.

As Bartleby and Loki got off the bus, the doors closed immediately closed and the bus drove away. Azreal stood there, waiting for his Demon Lackey to return.

            "What are we waiting for?" George asked. Azreal looked into the snow covered barren.

            "A hot spot." He uttered. Right on cue, his Demon Lackey returned. George jumped back a good 5 ft.

            "Where is it!?" Azreal shouted at it. The thing then started running into the snow. The gang of demons followed it. Once the road was out of site, the Demons Lackey stopped. It pointed to a bunch of empty space. George was confused.

            "Excellent. Go, now. Go eat a…bird or something." Azreal told it. The creepy, disturbing thing nodded its head and limped farther into the middle of nowhere. George then asked,

            "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT AND WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?" Bartleby simply replied,

            "That was a Demon Lackey and now, we're taking a shortcut." Azreal took out a pocketknife and cut the air where the Demon Lackey pointed. There was then a cut in this astral plan. Azreal then jumped into it. George just stood there. Bartleby rolled his eyes and shoved George in. The two former angels then stepped in.

Red Bank, New Jersey: There stands St. Michael's church, packed with people. A priest walks op to the podium. He clears his throat and spoke into the microphone,

            "Hello and welcome to St. Michael's Special Christmas Reading. I thank you all for coming here on Christmas Eve. Masses will be held all night incase you miss one. Now, without further ado, allow me to introduce, Pope John Paul II!" A roar of applause comes from the crowd as the frail pope is lead to the microphone. Just as he's about to speak, someone call from the audience,

            "Your time is up, humans." We see Azreal, George, Bartleby, and Loki move through the crowds of people. The Pope freezes. He read of a figure like the one before him long before he became the pope, but all that came rushing back to him.

            "You see, back in the Pits, I was talking with Hitler for a bit. He gave me a perspective that I never had before. Th-" He chuckled a bit, " The crazy Austrian told me of the world he envisioned. Little children with blonde hair and blue eyes running around shouting '_Hiel Hitler_"! The German flag everywhere, everyone wearing a swastika on their arm. No Jews, no gypsies, no communists. He would be their God and their Devil. Pretty crazy, huh?" The priest is enraged that this man would talk about Hitler on the most holiest of Christian holidays.

            "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Officers!" He called out. As police officers approached them, George snapped their necks. Bartleby and Loki are shocked. People start screaming and running away. Azreal turns to them and smiles.

            "Okay boys, you wanted your killing spree. Do your job. KILL PEOPLE. Kill as many as you can." He orders them. Loki is obviously confused, since Azreal kept telling them **not** to kill people. Azreal realizes Loki's confusion and informs him,

            "Go ahead. It's fine by me. God doesn't rule here anymore. I do." Loki just backed away and said over and over,

            "No. No, no, no. I can't go through with this. 90% of these people are Catholic. And 80% of the Catholics are innocents. We are only suppose to take the corrupted. I won't do this." Azreal shook his head and told Loki,

"You know what Lucifer did to me when I went back into the Underworld after the Dogma incident? He made me watch _Caddyshack II _over and over again. And then, after 9/11, he made me watch _Glitter._ GLITTER! Do you know how torturous was that? No, 'cause you and your friend were fuckin' it up with Cassandra. 2 weeks ago, I was watching the new version of _Rollerball._ That…that was the last straw. After seeing that, you would want revenge, too. This is my domain now. God can't stop me. Lucifer can't stop me, the Adam Sandler-lovin' fuck. If you plan to step out Loki, fine with me. Bartleby?" Azreal looked towards Bartleby, who was as uncomfortable as Loki. Despite his uneasiness, he stabbed a civilian in the stomach with his nail. He took of his cap, revealing his horns. Azreal smiled and took off his own hat. He looked up at the sky and cracked up laughing, as if he were laughing at God. The Pope, who was watching the commotion from the church, sadly looked on.


	15. Showdown at St Michael's

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks. **Important Note**: Only two more chapters to go! Yay! I feel so special. And for the time honored classic question that many of you are asking: When/How/Will Bethany and the Metatron get together? Well, you must read this chapter to find out!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

Red Bank, New Jersey…2 hours later: A black minivan came to a stop in front of St. Michael's church. Bethany jumped out of the driver's seat and ran outside. She barely had her coat on. Suddenly, she stopped. Rufus, Serendipity, and Shaylee followed, only to come to a dead still. Bethany, Rufus, Serendipity, Jay, and Silent Bob had a _déjà vu_. It was almost an exact replica of the massacre that took place 5 years before.

            "My God. Is it…" Bethany trailed off. Rory put her hand on Bethany's shoulder and said calmly.

            "Don't worry. The end of the world doesn't happen for another 10,000 years." The gang looks around the area.

            "Looks like The douche-formally-known-as-Big-Bird crashed this place before we did." Jay commented. Maggie clung to Bethany as they walked around.

            "Looks like it's gonna snow, again. What's his ruse?" Bethany asked rhetorically. Just then, a voice called out,

            "Revenge. What act of violence isn't about that?" Everyone turned to see Loki standing there, apparently hiding. Jay started to charge at him, but Shaylee and Rufus held him back. As he tried to break lose, Shaylee told him,

            "Hey jack hole! Don't touch him! He hasn't killed anyone…today." Shaylee turned to Loki,

            "Loki…were you hiding?" He [Loki] stepped out from the side of the church. He didn't look up. Serendipity walked up to him and asked him,

            "What do they want to accomplish, Loki?" Loki takes in a deep breath.

            "Azreal wants to be, ruler of Earth or something. While in the pits, Hitler starting giving him ideas…of world domination. I think Azreal figured that it was the perfect way to get back at God. That's all I know, I swear. I barely said good-bye to this girl on the bus." He explained sadly. Suddenly, a voice boomed out,

            "Touching ending, Loki. Excuse me while I puke." There stood Bartleby in front of the church. Shaylee saw him and started shouting,

            "Bartleby! You can't do this! I know you're a demon and all but there must be some-" Before she could finish, Bartleby threw her across the lawn. Bethany then charged toward Bartleby, mainly because she's pissed. Just then, she was grabbed from behind. A familiar voice hissed into her ear,

            "Hey, baby." It was George, complete with horns and all. If the situation weren't so frightening, Bethany would have laughed at his appearance. He smiled evilly into Bethany's eyes and said aloud,

            "Miss me, hot lips?" (A/N: Hehehe…was just watching M*A*S*H, so…ya know.) He then forced a kiss with Bethany. Jay, pissed that this guy is getting what he can't have, runs over, breaks the kiss and punches George in the face. George is shocked, but non-the less, pissed. Bethany grabs Maggie's hand and says to Silent Bob,

            "Bob, you come with me." Silent Bob looks back at his friend who is getting the living shit beaten out of him. He then looks back at Bethany. She reassures him,

            "He'll be fine. Now, from the way those doors are perfectly sealed, I'd say there's people in there. Let's go." Bob nods his head and follows Bethany.

Meanwhile, at the Quickstop, Dante was watching the whole thing on T.V. as an old lady shops through the store. After a few minutes of thinking, he says,

            "We're closed now." The lady, who was observing the canned yams, merely stood there.

            "But, young man, your sign says 'Open 24 hour-" She said, trying to reason with him, until he interrupted her,

            "WE'RE CLOSED NOW, LADY!" The old lady jumped back a few feet, but still, she left the store. Dante grabbed his coat and ran outside, muttering,

            "I have no idea why I'm gonna help those two assholes." As he was locking up the place, he was tapped on the shoulder. Dante turned to see Randal standing there, a beer in his hand.

            "Hey Dante. Where you going?" He asked. Dante sighed and walked to his car, explaining,

            "Going to help Jay and Silent Bob. They're at St. Michael's Church in Red Bank. It's an hour away. Gotta go." As Dante started his car, Randal just stood there.

            "WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH WOULD YOU HELP JAY AND SILENT BOB? WE HATE THEM, THEY HATE US, REMEMBER?" He shouted. Dante put his head out the window and answered,

            "Yeah, I know. But it's some kind of 'instinct' that's telling me to help them. Later." He then drove away. Randal just shook his head and turned to see Caitlin standing there.

            "Where's Dante going?" She asked. Randal sighed and said,

            "St. Michael's Church." Caitlin nodded her head. Finally, she asked him,

            "Wanna make-out until he comes back?" Randal shrugged his shoulders and simply says,

            "Fine by me."

Flash to Azreal, who is standing on the alter in the church, apparently waiting for someone. The cardinals and priests are silently praying in the pews. Unbeknownst to all of them, the Pope is missing. We see him walking out the back door.

Bartleby was then attacked by Rory, who pushed him into a tree that was about 30 feet away. Anish was shocked by this, but Serendipity revealed to him that it was "angel strength". She then had her own turn attacking Bartleby, who was dressed like Al Pachino's character in _The Devil's Advocate_. Rory noticed this and commented,

            "Cute, Bartleby, real cute. Now, you wanna see me do my impression of Joe Pesci?" Rory then picks up a broken lead pipe. She then started beating him with it. Bartleby then whacked it out of her hands. He then sends her flying into a truck. Serendipity is then sent into a police car.

Anish, meanwhile, is trying, with Rufus, to help Jay out. But George keeps throwing them somewhere else. Nancy is witnessing this. She sees the lead pipe and picks it up. As George stands in triumph, Nancy runs up to his back and SMACKS the lead pipe into his spine. She looks down on him and shouts at him,

            "THIS WAS FOR HURTING THAT CRAZY/HOT GUY RUFUS! AND THIS-" Nancy hits him again, "IS FOR MY SISTER WHO IS STILL IN THERAPY! AND THIS ONE HERE-" She hits him again in the ribcage, "IS FOR MS. SLOAN! THIS-" George gets blowed in the face, "IS FOR ASKING ME TO PLAY 'TONSIL HOCKEY' WITH YOU LAST WEEK! AND **THIS**-" Nancy whacks him in the head, "IS FOR BEING A COMPLETE JERK ALL TOGETHER!" She dropped the pipe and started panting. George then popped back up and slapped Nancy to the ground. He turned to Bartleby and asked,

            "Since I'm a demon, I can do whatever I want, right?" Bartleby, a bit stunned by this question, answered,

            "I-I guess. I never really thought about it." George evilly smiled and looked down at Nancy seductively. Nancy realized what this pervert wanted to do to her and started crawling away.  He starts coming after her. Before George can grab her, he is whacked in the head. He drops to the ground. There stands Rufus, while he comments,

            "NOBODY touches the white virgin." He helps Nancy up. She pats the snow off her purple coat.

            "Thanks for saving me there. And…I'm not a virgin." Nancy informs him. Rufus raises his eyebrows and responds,

            "Say what!?"

Bethany, Maggie, and Silent Bob, meanwhile, ran to the back of the church to find a way in. They see a back door and Bethany tries to open it, only to find it locked.

            "Damn." She said as she pulled on it. As she turned around, she sees THE pope! Bethany is in utter shock, but still, she bows at his knees. He pulls her up and says in his thick Norwegian accent,

            "Do not waste time bowing before me. You must go stop that demon from hurting those people. It **is** what your family does best." Bethany looked up, dumbstruck by his last sentence. John Paul II sighed and told her,

            "There is something blocking the passage ways to Heaven and Hell, I can tell. You are a Scion, I can feel it in my heart. Descendant of Christ, you must kill me. My life is the barrier." This completely blew Bethany away. She tried to say something, but nothing came out of her mouth.

            "I understand what you're going through. But please, do it for Serendipity and Anish, for Rufus and Nancy, for Jay and Silent Bob, for Aurora and Shaylee…for the Voice and your daughter." He convinced her. The pope then handed her a piece of wood and explained,

            "Use this. This is a part of the cross that Christ died on. Trust me. The Voice told me to." Slowly, Bethany took the piece of wood from John Paul II's hand. She just looked at it for a moment, then looked back at him. The Pope nods his head to do it. Finally, Bethany sticks it in his abdomen. He gasps for air, but then gives off a warming smile and says,

            "You've done the right thing Bethany. You shall be as infamous as the Virgin Mary herself." He then dies in her arms. Tears are now streaming down Bethany's face. She slowly drops him to the ground. Silent Bob and Maggie watched him hit the ground. As Silent Bob walked towards Bethany, a hand grabbed him and drove his body into a tree. Bob looked up to see Azreal there.

            "Come on, Tubby. Did you honestly think that I'd forget **you**?" He questioned. Silent Bob looked to his side and shrugged his right shoulder. Azreal just slammed him into the tree harder.

            "You're _numero uno on my hit list, buddy. Let's start with taking apart your spine, shall we?" He commented. Azreal then threw Silent Bob into the church._

Bethany hadn't noticed that Silent Bob was missing. She wiped the tears from her eyes and started walking away. But as she did, she was grabbed from behind. As quick as she was grabbed, Bethany's neck was slit by the person holding her. We see Cassandra standing over Bethany's body, her skin severely burnt. She gazed at her knife and licked off the blood. Cassandra sighed and said to herself,

            "Vengeance never tasted sweeter." Maggie froze as she saw this. A voice in her head then told her,

            ~The wood! Use the wood that your Mummy used to kill the man!~ She lunged at the Pope's lifeless body and pulled out the wood. Maggie then JABBED the wood into Cassandra's calve. Right on cue, Cassandra let out a piercing scream. Maggie then started up the hill, only to remember her mother. She then ran back down to Bethany's body.

Meanwhile, in front of the church, as Rory was fighting Bartleby, she received a telepathic message to come back to Heaven. She stopped fighting and told her allies,

            "I've been called. Gotta go." Jay, who could barely stand up, looked at her and shouted,

            "You've gotta be shitting me! You just can't leave, ya crazy bitch!" Rory scoffed at him and disappeared. As Jay was about to get into a rant [which would probably be long and quite inappropriate], he was shoved to the ground by Bartleby. Just then, Bartleby himself was shoved into the ground by Loki. He just stood over him and told him,

            "Bartleby you can't do this. This is going against everything you believed in. You may think you're pure evil, but I believe that somewhere inside of you there is a shred of decency. Think about it." Bartleby just layed there, looking around. Anish was barely standing, and was only held up because of Serendipity. Rufus's arm was around Nancy, who was helping him along. And there layed Shaylee, the only angel he ever loved, was nearly crippled by the one person who she cared for the most. Loki just shook his head and helped up Jay. Bartleby barely said,

            "No more blood. No more fighting. Screw Lucifer. Screw Azreal. I work for neither." Azreal, who was meanwhile kicking the crap out of Silent Bob, heard him and dropped Silent Bob and walked up to Bartleby. For what seemed to be a long period of time, the two just stared at each other. Azreal takes in a deep breath and asks him,

            "You sure about this, my friend?" Bartleby slowly nods his head. Azreal also nods his head. Suddenly, Azreal grabs a piece of broken glass and stabs Bartleby in the stomach, the black icky-stuff pouring all over his hand.

            "A very unwise choice. Enjoy Limbo, Sparky." He hissed at him. Shaylee saw what happened and rushed to Bartleby's side. Jay jumped back a few feet and shouted,

            "WHY THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN!?" Serendipity looked menacingly at Azreal and answered,

            "Broken glass of a church window. The priest must have blessed it. Remember the 'instrument of God' tale?" Azreal just smirked at her and started going into a psychotic laughter.

It seemed all was lost when suddenly, the doors of the church flung open and glowed with a bright white light. Azreal stopped laughing and turned to the billowing essence. As the light faded, the familiar faces of The Metatron and Rory appeared, in between them a VERY familiar face (A/N- You people know who it is!). The three slowly walked out from the church. Azreal was simply humbled. Serendipity brings Anish down as she kneels. Rufus does the same with Nancy. Jay is speechless (A/N- Thank God!). Remembering what happened before, he kneeled as well. Loki is completely shaken, but he too shows his respect. They stopped walking, right in front of Azreal. The Metatron sighs and comments,

            "Dear me, Azreal, you seem to **like** getting into trouble." God just shakes Her head at him and motioned to snap her fingers. Before She can complete what seemed to be a simple act, Azreal interrupted,

            "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I **know** what you're about to do, and I gotta protest. Bartleby nearly ended all existence and all you did was kill him! You're gonna send me to hell and make me watch _Kangaroo Jack_! I know you will! I do NOT deserve this!" Both the Metatron and Rory sighed. God nods her head and the Metatron snaps his fingers. Out of nowhere, a familiar voice booms out,

            "Manslaughter, disobeying Satan, disobeying God, manipulating at-the-time angels to destroy all existence, attempt of killing off the divinest human blood, threatening to kill prophets, and trying to conquer the world for yourself." Azreal turns to see Horace walking towards him, reading from a very thick book. Horace looks up.

            "Off the top of my head, I'd say that you just earned yourself a one-way ticket back to hell!" He told Azreal as he shut the book. Cassandra, meanwhile, was slowly walking to the front of the church when she saw God, the Metatron, and Rory. She stood dead still. God shook her head and snapped her fingers. Just then, Azreal was engulfed in flames and disappeared. The Lord then snapped her fingers again. The same thing that happened to Azreal happened to Cassandra. The Almighty King (A/N-Er…uh, Queen, whatever) snapped her fingers a third time. This time, George went up in flames and disappeared. God then put her hand down. She then nodded her head at the Metatron.

            "As for Bartleby and Loki, The Lord has decided that do to your decision to turn your back on Lucifer, you will be made angels once again." He explained. We now see Bethany, Maggie, and Silent Bob walk up to Serendipity. She turns and smiles at them.

            "Glad to see you didn't die this time." She said. Bethany shook her head and replied,

            "Actually, I did. But, um, a little special 'someone' saved me." Bethany smiled at Maggie. Rory then came out of the church with a large sword in hand. Loki came out forward and commented,

            "Hey, that's my old sword!" Metatron sighed and said sarcastically,

            "Very good, Loki." Rory rolled her eyes away from him and explained,

            "The Lord felt that the Fiery Sword had no real purpose, so she made some adjustments." God took the sword from Rory's hands. The Metatron sighed and said,

            "Let's make this quick, we still need to do that 'other thing'. I'll be in the church." He slowly turned and walked away. Maggie, who was in Bethany's arms, waved good-bye and said,

            "Bye Metatron. See ya in a couple of months." Metatron turned around for a moment, smiled at her, and walked into the church. God raised the sword and placed the tip on Loki's head. In Loki's mind, he receives flashbacks to when he raped one of the local girls all those years ago. A tear streams down his face as he barely whispers,

            "Oh God. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Those poor girls. Please forgive me, Lord." He starts sobbing at her feet. Bartleby is now at his side, with the help of Shaylee. God then tapped the sword on top of Bartleby's head. The memories of the same day rush back to him. He, too, starts begging for forgiveness. Bethany has a startled look on her face. Just as she was about to say something, Rory put her finger on her lips. Bethany nodded her head. Suddenly, both of the former-but-soon-to-be-again angels disappeared in a glowing light. God sighed and walked to the church. Rory turn to Bethany and comments,

            "Give it a few seconds. He'll notice. And you'll know when." They both hugged. She then followed God. Rufus started walking when he stopped to talk with Bethany.

            "It was good seein' you again. Take care of Maggie. The man told me to tell you that. She's his little sister. It's the bro/sis vibe, ya know." He said to her and they hugged. Nancy stood by Bethany and waved good-bye to Rufus as he went into the church. Bethany turned to Serendipity, Anish, and Shaylee and asked,

            "Why aren't you three going?" Serendipity smiled at Anish and replied,

            "Training. I'll be training him for a few years. And between you and me, I think I turned him a little gay since he kept staring at Bartleby's butt. And Shaylee needs to make an apostle. So, we'll be here for awhile." Jay and Silent Bob were, meanwhile, having a debate over something. Jay then called out to Rory,

            "Hey you, the short angel, who would you rather fuck, Tubby or me?" Rory turns back and sighs.

            "If I had to choose, I'd say Silent Bob." She said and went into the church. Jay's jaw dropped in shock. Silent Bob looked at him and smirked.

            "Hey, man, it was kinda obvious, due to the fact that you're an asshole." He simply said. As the doors of the church close, we hear the Metatron shout,

            "GOOD LORD!" Serendipity smiled and said slyly,

            "He found out."

Just as they all walked away, Dante's car pulls up. He jumps out and says,

            "Oh my God, can you guys stay out of trouble for ONE day!?" Shaylee then walks up to him.

            "You came here to help these guys although you hate them? That's so sweet!" She said as she grabbed his arm and walked to the car. Bethany smiled and noticed that it was starting to snow. Maggie looked up and sweetly said,

            "Merry Christmas, Mommy." Bethany kissed her forehead and replied,

            "Merry Christmas, baby."

A/N-Stay tuned… There are two more chapters! The next one is something Rickmaniacs will enjoy and the other will be the Epilogue.


	16. Confrantation At A Certain Place

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks. **UPDATE: Finally! The chapter the Rickmaniacs have been waiting for!  Took me long enough.**

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

We all know the story of Harry Potter. He was in his 7th year at Hogwarts. Voldemort had risen to power again and has been looking to seek revenge on Harry ever since. Ron and Hermione still argued like mad crazy. And Draco, who got nastier as he got older, was still disliked by our trio of heroes. Old and wise Professor Dumbledore was still Headmaster at Hogwarts. Not much has changed…

…Until tonight. Originally, on Christmas Eve this year at Hogwarts there was going to be a Christmas Ball.  But, Voldemort slowly gained even more power than in the beginning, and now, held Hogwarts students hostage.  At the current moment, he was threatening Harry's life right in front of Dumbledore, giving him a choice: his [Dumbledore] life or Harry's.  He was doing this all in the Great Hall, in front of everyone…in front of Slytherians.  All the Death Eaters are present, including Lucius Malfoy.

Voldemort's wand was pointing to Harry's head while his left arm keeps him in place.  Dumbledore stands at the teacher's table, rage filling is eyes.  You-Know-Who gave a cold smile and inquired,

            "So Professor, you have a hard choice before you: the _infamous Harry Potter's life…or yours?  Come now, it's not that hard, I'll kill you both anyways.  The question is which of you will die first?"  Dumbledore breaths were heavy until a smile appeared on his face._

            "There will be no such decision, for both Harry and I will live to see tomorrow.  It is you who will not."  He stated confidently.  Voldemort howled with laughter and snapped,

            "Foolish, old wizard!  Do you not know that I am immortal?  No such being can kill me!  Not even Merlin himself!"  But Dumbledore kept smiling on, despite what this madman believed.

            "Merlin is a man, just as you and I.  Surely, you've heard of 'God'.  Now, you are able to put her abilities to the test."  He explained and then clapped his hands.

Suddenly, the doors of the halls, which were sealed shut by the strongest magic known, busted open by a white light.  From it stepped out a tall, _very handsome man with brown hair (A/N-you can guess who it is!), a short, Irish-looking girl who's hair was a darker shade of the man's, and a medium sized woman who had the lightest and longest brown hair of the bunch.  She wore a pink ensemble; a spaghetti strap shirt and pajama bottoms covered with little sleepy bears.  She wore pink converse shoes and in her arms, she held a Care Bear.  You-Know-Who and his followers' jaws dropped as did the students.  These three people, a man in a shiny purple Versace outfit and a teenager with what appeared to be black fishnets on her arms and wore red plaid pants had just done what only Harry Potter was able to do: Break Voldemort's magic._

The man sighed and began speaking in a voice similar to Professor Snape's, only he was on the other side of the room,

            "1 million years ago, the one called I am pondered whether to give a certain amount of humans the ability to harness the earth's powers.  Many of my kind disapproved of this idea, but we could say nothing: we are servants.  So, She decreed it.  But look at you now; using your unique powers to torture and destroy your fellow people.  Personally, you all sicken me.  Yet, my compatriot who is clad in pink believes She must eliminate the source of all of this: Thomas Marvalo Riddle, or commonly known, as Lord Voldemort.  A false God, and these little morons with the little hoods covering their faces must be his followers, who's only ambition is money and power.  Please, I've seen _Wall Street way too many times and about now, I'm sick of this plot.  Fact of the matter is, humans can NEVER be immortal which is why this '_Voldemort'_ is a charlatan."_

Voldemort, enraged by this man's speech, threw Harry to the side and walked to approach the three.  The girl, who only staggered at about 5'3, walked up to meet him and shouted in her Brooklyn accent,

            "HEY, BACK OFF YOU POPPY-ASS, NON-KRAUT VERSION OF HITLER!"  The Dark Lord pointed his wand towards her.  She gave a curious look as she observed it.

            "Watch it with that piece of shit, you could poke an eye out!"  She told him, as if his wand were nothing more than a wooden stick.  In a loud, triumphant voice, Voldemort shouted,

            "AVADA-" But before he could finish, the man interrupted him.

            "A stick.  This man relies on a stick to do his dirty work.  An immortal does not need a stick to do extraordinary things.  An enchanter would, but never an immortal.  My foul mouth friend and my companion with the…Care Bear has a voice so powerful, so immense, that just from hearing one word, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode inside your chest.  This would happen to a human…but not an immortal.  Now, all of you who believe this man is an imposter, I **HIGHLY** suggest that you cover your ears, good and tight.  All who believe that this man is truthful…well, cover your ear as well since you are the mortals who blindly follow this man.  I'll give you a minute to do so."  He declared.  Dumbledore immediately covered his ears.  The students and staff instantly repeated what he did, for if their fearless headmaster was afraid of what was to happen, it had to be big.  Becoming even more frightened, the Death Eaters duplicated this act.  Voldemort stood alone with these three people.

The woman took in a deep breath,  Then, she let out a loud, deafening sound.  The Dark Lord immediately covered his head with his hands, but it was too late.  After 30 seconds, his head and chest exploded.  The woman cut short her shriek and merely stared at the corpse.  It collapsed in front of them.  The girl stared at it and gave a disgusted look.

            "Eww…I see brain matter."  She commented.  The man rolled his eyes and replied,

            "I would assume that after 100 million years, you'd get use to this sort of…stuff."

            "Well, there was always Loki to do this shit, not us. DAMN YOU BARTLEBY!"

            "I damn him for ruining our liquor rights.  That Vanilla Coke is a horrid comparison."

            "Hey, forget you, man.  I'm just sick of all this gory bullshit.  I can barely stomach _Poltergeist_."

            "Well, now that this is all over and done with, we can finally go home.  It _is_ Jesus' birthday tomorrow."  The man said.  But before the two chatterboxes could leave, the lady in pink stopped them.  She pointed to everyone else in the room, who was highly confused [except for Dumbledore].  The headmaster slowly walked to them.

            "I was wondering what took you three would show up.  What was it that kept you, Metatron, more _angel problems?"  He remarked.  The man, Metatron, gave a long sigh._

            "Our Scions ran into some trouble over the past few days."  He told Dumbledore.

            "Bartleby or Loki?"

            "They were pawns….again.  Guess who?"

            "Ah, Azreal.  He escaped?"

            "With Cassandra.  But don't worry.  All has been taken care of."

            "Good.  And, uh, you care to make a speech to my students and the Slytherin fathers?  From their faces, they look quite baffled."  Dumbledore requested.  The Metatron walked forward and proclaimed,

            "From my understanding, many of you are confused with this whole situation.  Allow me to explain: Your headmaster here is an old acquaintance of the Lord.  When this all occurred, he immediately notified us, but we had an urgent situation to take care of, concerning humans who are very close to the inhabitants of The Heavens.  This Lord Voldemort, meanwhile, was obliterating the first commandment: 'Thou shall not create false Gods and worship them'.  Those aren't the _exact words, but if you're my age, you wouldn't remember them correctly either.  So, we had to dispatch of him.  Now, are there any questions?"  Everyone stood in silence, when of all people, Harry Potter asked,_

            "Who are you people?"  All this was becoming quite irritating to the Metatron.

            "I am the Metatron, the one true voice of God, and over here is my soiled mouth, bad dressing companion, Aurora.  And here, clad in Pink, is THE Lord, the one called I am, creator of everything before you…God."  He explained.  The mudbloods in the room nearly fainted.  Their families knew of God while the regular wizards had no idea what they were talking about.  Draco, having no idea who these people were, questioned them rudely,

            "If that lady is so _mighty_ and _powerful, THEN WHERE WAS SHE BEFORE?" At this point, Aurora, or Rory, got pissed and walked up to him, shouting,_

            "Hey, look you Eminem wannabe, we told you what happened.  Do I need to beat it into ya head!"  Lucius now stepped forward to defend his son.

            "Listen you stubby, petty little girl, no one, NO ONE, talks to my son like that!"  He bellowed at her.

            "_Stubby?  What, now you got something against fat people?  I'm not all that fat, ya know!  _Petty_?  Hey man, just so ya know, to this world, I am _muy importante_!  Now, you can just take your blonde haired pansy ass out of my face!"_

            "Such a rude child!"

            "_Child?  For your information, I'm almost as old as __forever!  And yet, you look like shit."_

            "Inconceivable.  Your friend said it himself: 'humans can NEVER be immortal'."

            "What gave you the idea that we're humans?"  She questioned him.  He didn't say a word.  The Metatron pulled her back from where she stood and hissed at her,

            "You nearly screwed up the Joan of Arc mission with that fat mouth; don't do the same with this one."

            "Hey, up yours, man!  I was just making sure that that bitch heard me."  Rory defended herself.

            "You nearly blew out her eardrums!"

            "Well, she got the message, didn't she?"

            "Ugh, we'll talk about this later.  Now, while we're here, what must we do next?"  He inquired to God.  She looked out towards the crowd and pointed at Harry.  The Metatron nodded his head and called out,

            "May the one christened Harry Potter come forward.  The rest of you…just…stay where you are!"  Rory turned to him and questioned his motives (again),

            "How could you miss him?  He's the only one who's got a frickin scar on his forehead!"

            "Quiet you."  He shushed her.  Harry Potter slowly walked towards the odd trio.  He glanced at his classmates.  Most, who were natural born wizards, were confused by what the two chatterboxes were rambling on about.  Wizards who never took Muggle studies never heard of Jesus.  Hermione, who went to church over the summer with her parents, knew who these figures were and was completely catatonic.

Harry finally reached them.  He couldn't look the Metatron in the eye.  All he saw when he looked at this figure was Professor Snape.  Harry momentary looked at his least favorite professor.  Severus Snape had seen many peculiar things, but an exact replica of himself?  He couldn't utter a word.  Harry looked at the lady, who seemed to be the "head honcho" and asked,

"What…what do you want from me?"  The Lord nodded at the Metatron and then skipped off.  He started,

"We expect a lot from you, Mr. Potter.  Been expecting you for over 2,000 years.  Some monk wrote about you during the time of Octavius Augustus Ceaser.  Now, you have a _very important role involving our whole world.  We have a…parcel in America.  She's only 4 years old but is very smart, and is needed in about 3 years.  You, Harold James Potter-"_

"Hehehe…his middle name is James…"  Aurora snickered.

"Oh, due shut up you incredible twit!  How you are a seraphim boggles my mind to this day.  Anyways, Mr. Potter, the Lord has appointed you as the official bodyguard of Margaret Ashley Sloane, the Last Scion."  The Metatron continued.  Harry's jaw dropped.  The Dursleys weren't religious, but he knew enough about Christianity to know what a scion was.

"Are you saying…that **I** am to protect the current descendent of Jesus Christ?"  He weakly inquired.  The two celestial figures nodded their heads.

God, meanwhile, was walking about the room, observing each of the students.  Neville Longbottom, in the meantime, was shaking like crazy.  The Lord noticed him and kneeled down to him.  Instead of becoming paler and passing out, the color returned to Neville's cheeks and his shaking slowly discontinued.  God then gave a little kiss to Neville's forehead and smiled.  She then stood up, faced the front of the room, and skipped away.  A soft smile slowly appeared on Neville's face and he finally passed out, falling from his seat.

Many of the Death Eaters started to worry about these three people who claimed not to be human.  They killed their "immortal" leader, and now they claimed that Harry is, what muggles called, "holy".  Lucius was especially worried.  The large part of his family's fortune came in from Voldemort.  He whipped out his wand.

Just then, Rufus, of all the dead people in Heaven and Hell, strolled in, while shouting,

"Okay, did y'all **purposely** forget to tell me about all the shit that's going down with the cracker wizard t'night?  If so, don't expect a quiet birthday party in Heaven!"  At the same time, Lucius Malfoy pointed his wand at Harry Potter's head and uttered,

"AVADA KADAVRA!"  Rufus, along with everyone else, heard him and ran in front of Harry.  The shot hit Rufus in the chest.  Lucius murmured a curse word under his breath.  Unexpectedly, to everyone's surprise (with the exception of The Lord, the Metatron, Rory, and Dumbledore), Rufus shot back up and went on ranting,

"Why the hell did ya do that shit for!?  I don't even know ya and you shoot those shitty green sparks at my ass!  It's because I'm black, right?  You racist piece of shit!  No respect for the black man!"  Rory and Metatron looked at each other.  The Metatron then spat,

"You invited him, didn't you!?  Do you not torture me enough!?"

"Hey, it wasn't me!  I've been listening to him bitch for the past 3 days!  The last person I want to see is Rufus!  Him…and Chevy Chase."  From behind them, the Lord walked up and started tapping her foot.  She shot them a look that said, _I did!_  They saw this look and slowly turned their heads away, mouthing, _Oh_.  Harry, curious to why the Lord wasn't here to help them before, questioned,

"Where was She?  We've been holding out here for over 2 days yet She comes now?  What was so important that She ignored both our dilemma and the one in America?"  Both Metatron and Rory took in deep breaths.  Then the replied in unison,

"Strawberry Shortcake Marathon."  Mr. Potter was in utter shock.

"The cartoon that sells the dolls that smell!?"  He asked.  Harry remembered back when he was about 6 years old and they were marketing those dolls.  One day in a department store, Dudley was hungry (as usual) and smelt the strawberries on the doll and, eventually, bit its head off!  The manger of the store was, by all means, furious while Aunt Petunia tried to defend her "wittle Dudley" and blamed it on Harry.  The manager was almost convinced until Dudley started coughing up some the hair of the doll and parts of the hat.  It was one of Harry's favorite pre-Hogwarts memories.

"Well," Rory started, "We _would_ have taped it, but our last spare tape was missing and the Lord persisted that She would watch the WHOLE thing.  Luckily, it ended a few hours ago.  Between you and me, I think Gabriele took it and taped gay ass _American Idol.  Hate that show."  All of this is way too much for Harry._

Suddenly, a fight broke out between Rufus and Lucius.  The Apostle was on top of Mr. Malfoy, choking him.  He continually shouted,

"Yeah, that's right cracker!  Let me see you pull that magic stick shit now, J.R.R. Tolkien!"  Metatron motioned to run when he turned back to Rory, who was watching.

"Well, are you going to stop them or not?"

"Hells no!  Let that blonde haired (yet extremely good looking) bastard die!  See if I care." She replied.  He grabbed her arm and dragged her over to the fight scene.  They grabbed Rufus and dragged him back over to the entrance.  The Metatron then told everyone,

"Well, now that everything seems to be in order, I think it's best that we take our leave.  It appears that some of you are very uncomfortable with our presence.  Besides, it's a certain person's birthday tonight and I plan on enjoying myself.  Merry Christmas."  As the headed towards the doors, Rory called out,

"Hey Lucius, say 'hi' to Satan for me!  It's been awhile!" Metatron then slaps her in the head.  She gave him a curious look and inquired,

"What?  I was dead serious, man!"

"Do you ever have anything appropriate to say?"

"Get real!  Do I look like Jane Austen?"

"At least she had manners!"

"Why do you get so defensive when we talk about her?"

"I'm not defensive!  I'm comparing her conduct to yours."

"Nice.  Real nice.  I'm sure if it was up to you, she would have written the whole Bible."

"As oppose to J.R.R Tolkien writing it?"

"Hey, leave Tolkien out of this!"

"Oh good, I hit a nerve.  And in addition, The Lord would have been portrayed as Ozzy Osbourne?"

"Why'd you bring the Ozzman into this?  Just 'cause he's cooler than you…"  The two seraphims continued to rant as the doors of the Great Hall slowly closed.

A/N- FINALLY!  The epilogue's next!  Now you guys can read what happens to your favorite religious figures.  Stay tuned!  But give me a few weeks to write it!  PLEASE review!  I worked so hard to get this out.


	17. Epilogue

Title: The Second Coming

Author: Meghan aka KRAMMIT THE FROG

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It's been 5 years since the events of "Dogma". Bethany lives with her 4 year-old daughter in Illinois, Jay and Silent Bob still hang outside of Dante's store in New Jersey, Serendipity has take in an apprentice muse who might be bisexual, Rufus STILL is overlooked as the 13th Apostle, and Metatron keeps bickering with the Angel of Purity who just happened to go Gothic. Everything's been okay. But Bartleby and Loki have escaped from hell as demons looking to corrupt the new savior aka Bethany's daughter. Can the old gang save the world, again?

Author's Notes: For some reason I want Metatron and Bethany to hook up. Don't ask me why. Normally, I would say more curses to make it feel like a Kevin Smith original, but my faith and upbringing has taken over and I decided not to say the *F* word in this. Sorry folks.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Rory, Anish, and Margaret. The rest belong to the master himself, Kevin Smith.

Feedback: Yes please!

                                                            Epilogue

                                                Serendipity and Anish

For the next three years, Serendipity trained Anish to use his powers to his full potential.  During that time, Anish had conflicts with his sexuality.  Not that long ago, he came to terms that he's bisexual.  Anish now has a crush on both Hermione Granger and Heath Leger.

God finally caved in and let Serendipity use **some** of her ideas.  She currently is the editor of _The National Enquirer_.  She still can't write a grocery list.

                                    Rufus and Rory

Despite Rufus's constant complaining, he's still not in the Bible.  He is currently bugging the Virgin Mary and Jesus to help him out.

            Rory's luck has been getting better.  She has currently has helped Adrien Brody win the Best Actor Oscar and made Peter Jackson direct _The Hobbit_ and _The Silmarillion.  She is, at this time, trying to make Ozzy Osbourne a saint.  Hence __trying._

                                                Bartleby and Loki

            After that whole fiasco with Azreal and Cassandra, God returned Bartleby to his place as a Grigori.  This made Shaylee very happy.

Loki, meanwhile, became a Messenger Angel.  He has no assignments right now, but he will in the future.

                                                Metatron and Bethany

            As for these two, well.  They eventually get married.  Maggie looks up to Metatron as a father figure, though he's not home all the time do to work.  Over the next three years, they have a son named Elijah.  They are expecting their next child soon.  They are very happy together.

            (A/N- Read the title aloud in a Cockney accent) Meanwhile, in Hell…

            Azreal and Cassandra were sitting in a poorly lit room, both chained to their seats.  Lucifer then strolled in, two lackeys at his feet.  Something was in his hand, but the two demons couldn't see.  Satan stood in front of them.

            "Tisk, tisk, tisk.  Am I really _that bad?  Well, it doesn't matter what you think.  For now, you're just gonna watch a little movie, 'kay?"  He told them and turned around.  Behind him was a T.V. set with a VCR on top of it.  Lucifer slipped in a tape and turned up the volume to its loudest notch.  He pressed the play button and quickly left the room, locking the door behind him._

            From the television, the song _Ice, Ice, Baby_ boomed.  Azreal and Cassandra's eyes widened.  Azreal knew what this was.

            "Holy shit, Lucifer's turned on _Cool as Ice_!"  He shouted at the top of his lungs.  Cassandra turned to him and asked,

            "_Cool as Ice?  What the hell is that!?"_

            "It's Vanilla Ice's movie.  It makes _Glitter look like __The Godfather!"_

            "That sick bastard!"  The two demons then shouted for mercy.  It'll never come.

            As for Jay and Silent Bob, well, every day's a new adventure.  They will return in _Jay and Silent Bob Visit the Magical World of Disney (which will be posted in the "Kevin Smith" section of FanFiction.net) and __Prophets (will be posted in the "Dogma" section) but those won't be posted until, like, the end of May.  Sorry folks._

            If anyone wants to read any of my other work, I'll be posting story in the "10th Kingdom" section within the next two days.  That's if any are fans of the mini-series.

                                                                        The End.


End file.
